In case i forgot

In case I forgot to text you when're expecting it.

don't think that i wont do it. I'm probably busy at work,

In case i forgot about the 17th day of the calendar,

dont be sad, i still have the sweet memories we shared during our monthsaries and anniversaries and I'll be glad doing it over & over again with you by my side.

In case i forgot to say "I miss you"

dont be hurt, the truth is I've been missing you every single time though i never show it directly at you.

In case i forgot to hold your hand like i used to,

don't close your hand or make a fist for i know that your precious gentle hands were created for love and compassion.

In case i forgot to delete all the evidence of my foolish wanderings, and you accidentally have seen it.

Don't be too depressed upon knowing it. I'm here for you now on bended knees regretting the time i left you.

In case i forgot our hopes, dreams and promises we had for our future,

Don't lose hope, we have our sweet past and a beautiful future awaits for both of us

In case I forgot all the hardships we've been through.

Don't get mad, my mind must be tired of it but my body knows the joy and the pain we have faced yet we remain the same.

In case i forgot to trust you.

dont give me a suspicious glare. just hold my hand press it gently and  take a deep breath while saying the words "I'll always believe in you."

In case i forgot your name.

Oh don't cry, just take me to where the sun meets the sea and retold the story of a jolly girl who waves her hand at me.

In case i forgot that there's a "you" in my life

Please dont leave me. We both know that someway... somehow... I'll find a way to remember the "you" inside of  me.

for the mind cannot take away what the heart have grown to love.

and if in case i forgot your birthday,

Well, that's the essence of writing this poem. to remind me in greeting a wonderful woman who have sacrificed a lot only to bring back the man i used to be.
 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY   MAJER !

prelude to the end

It was a rainy night of August and I'm lying in my bed thinking...

Surprisingly whenever I'm in this situation I used to feel that I'm a worthless bug. but now something's different. I've never stop smiling and talking to myself as i repeatedly saying " i never thought that the answer is so easy".

I'm talking about these series of unfortunate events that I've been experiencing in my entire life. Im still in a mess but atleast now, not only do i know what to do but i know the right motivation as well.

 A few hours back I've met an old friend. I recently added her in my social networking site and we planned to set up a friendly meeting for almost 7 months ago. Today is her birthday, and we agreed to have a double birthday celebration since I turned 29 last Tuesday.

So there I was sitting quietly at the couch of Starbucks  waiting for her to arrive. And when she does I greeted her a nice happy birthday and chatted for awhile about how her life was. We talked about our old friends and classmates (we've been classmates since gradeschool) stories of triumph, success, failures, hopes, death and new lives are the things we shared during our quick chattings.

 Then we proceed on the main event (which is the selection process on which store to eat) and we decided to go for the cab in yellow. I ordered a 14" pizza a soda and a lemonade tea.

While were eating graciously, our  topic went from light to serious to funny and to duh-i-forgot-the-details-i-must-be-getting-old. the rain finally stop pouring her share and we decided to go our separate ways. we bid farewell and wave her goodbye as i called for a common cab ( jeepney ).

Now Im here in my bed smiling like a crazy dork for i have figured out the answer to the pain I've been battling for over a year now. and it lies on one of our conversation.

While eating pizza i remembered the "jerk-ish" act I've made to her. I told her she was my first serious (puppy) love at the age of 11. And she was the first girl who broke my heart by refusing to be my girlfriend because we're too young for a serious relationship. This made me changed the way i perceived love for the opposite sex. It is the root of all my grumpiness, dead-serious and acting like adults in both mind and body gestures. In short i become a jerk.

the following six years that we were classmates, I swear that i would make a nasty statement in her face. That she had made a very bad decision refusing my offer. I become her worst nightmare. Every birthdays she had I've make it to the point that she would cry a lot from surprise pranks, hate letters and insults. All because I wanted to prove to her that I'm the better person between her current lousy boyfriend.

Years have passed and now she had a happy family with two kids and a loving husband. While i remained single (for now) and enjoying the days with my dear girlfriend. Until last year, I have made again another stupid decision.

We were enjoying our meal when i told her about my situation she just looked at me and said.
"what happened to the man i knew before?"
"uh dont know maybe he just turned into a dork"
she laughed as she replied "you've always been a dork, you're a one crazy dork and oh i mean the ONLY one i knew" as she continue to chew the food. "but the dork i knew is so sure of himself as he repeatedly proved to me that he is right about the matters of his heart."

"maybe he just give-up"
"I seriously gonna punch you right now, since when did you ever given up sending me your nerve wrecking pranks, hate letters and good-for-nothing pick up lines only to prove your point that even my mom would sneak up on my room just to read your scribbles"
"wait ! did you mean your mom knows all the stuff I've been doing?" I asked sweatily.
"yup, she knows everything" with a grin on his face.
"and?"
"nothing !" she just read it, smile and said "hmmppff, kid-stuff" then she give it back to me and told me to keep it for her grandchildren to read on.
"whoa, wait do you plan on showing that to your kids? that's just an old bullying stuff "
"well i dont see any reason why not? and besides it would be a warning to my kids to avoid any contact with weirdos with a penmanship like this."
A short pause and we both laughed.
" Thanks you really have your own way of revenge" i just blurted.
"And there's one more thing "
"Oh there's more great" with gesture of  hidden sarcasm
" I would tell them that this jerk have helped me become strong in all the challenges i had and that no one can ever make me cry again"
"Ahm, hey did i made you cried alot?"
"more than you'll ever know. but I'm done with it and the important thing is that I'm better & stronger now because you have been a part of my life."
"uh..er... thanks. so is this the part where i should cry now?"
"Your still as dumb as ever."

all throughout the dinner, we just laughed at the memories we had. Whether it is  good or bad we simply share the denials and happy stories of  a bully and a bullied. We ended our evening chat at 10:30 pm.

When i got home my heart felt like a heavy burden has been lifted up. It's as if  my eyes have set free from the blind fold and my heart turn back the hands of time. My friend had reminded me of who must I be. There's no need for me to change. No need for me to be a better person or even better than the one they expect me to be. I just needed to be the "Me" that i refused to accept. The "I" that everybody knows of  and accepted for what i truly am with all my failures and shortcomings. No mask, no imitations, no pretending  and no wishful thinking of being somebody else.

Lastly she told me to save & fixed the relationship that i had not because of the 11 years that we shared or because of some other reasons others could find worth fighting for. It's simply because I knew all along the answer to the questions I've been searching for. That I'm just being stubborn to listen to what the truth is telling me. She believes that the real idiot are those whose trying to be somone else and throwing their own identity. she also said that I'm a dork (or a monster or a hypocrite) a dork that fight for his love, constantly proving and breathing the air of being true to myself. A jerk that once upon a time had made her heart race whenever he's around and acknowledged his deeds.

the masseus

happy birthday 2 me !

One of the many activities we had for this day was the full body massage. I admit it was indeed my first time to undergo this kind of relaxation. There I was lying half naked on a small, comfy & dim lighted room waiting for the assigned therapist to lay her hands on my skinny body.

She was at mid 30 about 5'4" in height and it made me feel that she's like a mother who would massage her son after a tiring day. Her pressing and deep massage have a soothing feeling  together with some kind of a lotion applied to my lower and upper part of the body. She's a professional. She made my knuckles snap without any pain, relieve my backache and arm numbness.
 It only took an hour but it felt like I've been in the session for about 2 hrs. I felt my blood slowly circulating throughout  my body.The aroma of  the scented candle made me felt sleepy. And after the massage she handed me a warm towel to clean myself..
It felt good after the massage but i kept thinking how can she withstand the pain she would feel due to the repeatedly cycle of spa on every patients she had per day. An if ever she needed the relaxation for herself, who would be the one to give it to her.
and since its my day and I've felt a little bit of generosity, I gave her a nice tip for making my first ever spa worthwhile.

 

surprise !

10:00 am 

 We went to church and had a wonderful fellowship with my friends and fellow workers

12:00 noon

ordered meal for lunch at KFC

1:30pm

Attended discipleship lessons 

2:30 pm

attended small groups

4-5:00 pm

rest. had a short nap

5-7:00 pm

attended worship 101 class

After the class session my friend told me that we had a little meeting in the office, so we proceed at the informal meeting and right after that my friends prepared a surprise for me.

It was such a wonderful feeling having greeted by your friends who were joyfully singing and dancing giving me a merry happy birthday song.

There's food and a chocolate cake that scribbled my name and lots of fun as they each of them gave me a warm greetings with smile on their faces

I am very thankful for this event and it made my eyes teary as i speak my birthday prayers for my family friends and to myself.

We had a nice dinner & i couldn't thank them enough for their effort to celebrate in advance my birthday.

 I'll definitely cherished this day for in a short while i dont care about any of my insecurities, misfortunes, nightmares, angst and other negative emotions I've been written on this blog  for almost a year now.

This night I felt that i was important, loved, respected and special.



So i thank you all, and   I couldnt find any words best describe my gratitude for all of  your efforts.

And also thanks to the alleged "mastermind"  my dear and deeply loved special someone who made this surprise celebration in to a reality

thank you very very much.

 Jeffrey

its a 'bout time

It has been 10 month since I have a decent sleep.

Every night I've been sleeping at around 2:00 am and wakes up within an hour interval. After seeing the darkness of my room and the melancholic effect of the bright moonlight, I usually brushed away some creepy feelings and go back to sleep forcefully.

I should congratulate myself for being able to wake up in the morning, perform my duties at work, having fun with friends and doing other normal stuff of a typical guy would do in his life.

But It is also the second month that my sleep disorder have had an upgrade.

I rarely had nightmares and i'm pretty capable of handling it when it decides to ruin my dream. But lately I've had this sequence of nightmares every night for 61 dreams in a row. (62 for this night)

Different stories, places, people & set-ups that have connections with my past, present and future lives have been laid before my eyes in pitch black curtain.

From dead relatives trying to drag me down, life endings, tragic accidents, heartbroken, betrayal, light fading, anger,despair, illicit relations and violence, they all have patterned connections with each other. and before it ends it will provoke me to do the unnecessary but they never succeed

The "experience" usually starts when after having a peaceful dream, I would find myself be transported in a familiar place meeting with familiar faces and the rest is nightmare. After the nightmare comes to an end, I would come to my senses that it is all just a dream. I would try to react but quickly be pulled out back from my own self closed eyes & mouth wide opened. Although i never tried to open my eyes after knowing my situation but I've always felt there's someone or something touching and rubbing my chest with a chilling effect. It would make my heartbeat faster and immobilized my body for a brief moment.

All i can do is to gather my strength to clenched my fist and regain control of my sanity.

The next time i open my eyes would be at 6:00 in the morning.

Tonight, as i finished this blog i would lay my restless body in my folding bed and it's only a matter of time for me to do another battle of  logic and composure for i know that I'll be in trouble if i give into their demands.

So good night, sweet dreams  & fasten my "Bed-belt" for I'm on for the biggest bout of my life.

The curse of the black shades & the red jacket

if i wear this during summer or when the clear blue sky is up...

 

definitely, a quick storm will follow. 

and during rainy days where the wind blows cold and the rain seems endless, It is ideal to wear this branded suit.

But just like the previous item, when i wear this jacket during stormy days, I'll say hello to a bright and sunny day in a few seconds.

Weather can be crappy too don't you think? no wonder our forecaster were scratching their heads and deciding too late for suspending classes.

Tough Guys finish first

Yesterday we have received another report of accident in our construction field. That was the 7th recorded accident here ranging from minor cut to a gruesome blood spilling laceration.

the first recorded accident was from a man who allegedly pee-ing on the temporary G.I. wall. while relieving his urges the lamp post fall directly on his shoulder due to erroneous maneuver of crane that damaged the street light and eventually leads to the accident.---- the victim suffered from a shoulder injury and urinary disorder(phobia).

Second on the list are the stupid workers who were working and digging on the soil barefooted. The administration are strictly enforcing to wear the complete and proper safety gear during working hours and within the site premises. Those who were caught in disobeying the rules were fined with salary deductions.They were digging the soil up to eight feet deep for the foundation when suddenly the pile of soil had run off and buried them in half. oh did i mentioned that there were shrapnel of broken glasses, shells and twigs. Those grave diggers have experienced the actual condition of "six-feet under" with lots of bruises and laceration on their feet. This happened in a span of five minutes.

Third incident came from Tarzan and the acute  electrocution from a high tension wire. He suffered from a electric dance syndrome while hanging on the wire.


Fourth on the list is just a speck on the eye, but what if the speck is as huge as a rock falling from a concrete chipping works. The poor guy who don't mind using safety protection glass now permanently using his left eye while the right one is just a decoration.

Fifth is the "cliff hanger" guy whose head is as hard as the asphalt to whom his body clashes on. He was eventually crossing the pile of steel bars and wood, he forgot to tie his harness and seconds later a horrible scream of agony was heard from all over the place. He was rushed to the hospital aplied five stitches on the face, concrete cast on right arm and a few broken ribs.

The Sixth man on the list was more of a Boxing sport wherein he was smackdown by a fellow worker on the face like "iron" Mike Tyson smacking his opponent with a K.O. victory pose. The only difference in that was the boxing champ used gloves while the fellow worker used steel pipes. the poor challenger guy suffered from falling teeth, bleeding gums and a good night sleep for two days. And true enough just as tyson was put behind bars for his crime the striking fellow was escorted in the nearest jail.

The latest event goes to the three stooges. my fellow inspector reminded them to put the safety harness on the wire while they were removing scraps of the wall. They were standing on a platform with weak nail connection.
Then a deafening sound of thunder was heard and the three stooges are on the platform lying motionless.One with a broken arm, the second is still unconscious and the third one doesn't have a scratch. but bleeding from head to toe.-- They were admitted at the hospital with further examinations up to this day.

New incident would be added on the list if and only if the safety officer would slack off on their duty to remind the safety precautions on each and every persons working in this site.

Or maybe those people with hard head needs a lesson the hard way or they might experience the  practical  "actual" application of accident precautions.

"We build lives" (by taking others lives) were the rumored motto of construction related company. And this report would soon vanish in the record without any casualty compensation and assistance to their employer.

Quite a pretty business do'nt you think?

                                                           Anatomy of a life saving harness

                                                                  an ideal "tough guy"

the girl named adele

She was the bouncy lady with a superhuman voice. Despite her size she had overcome criticism from the watchful eyes of her critics in the industry. Her musical Genre in which she describe as "heartbroken soul".It is also describe by english news paper music critic as "a perfect backdrop to a lazy afternoon in the coffee shop." It is true enough for me when i first heard her song (rolling in the deep) the upbeat tempo, combined with angst and "Its-not-my-loss-&-i-dont-care" values have created a music that makes you think why do i ever had this kind of situation.

Her song chasing pavement ( the second song I heard from her) was a wake up call for all of us who're chasing blindly the stars that so high, walking on pavements which is not our own path to follow.
Turning Table is also one of the favorite for those people who are stuck in this messy life yet held their heads high and realized that the key thing to do is for them to get better and stronger. Strong enough to turn the table to their favorable side.

Lastly, this song of holding on and letting them know that they still got your back even if they've turned and leave you. It directly point to them telling your jerk friends(or lovers) that they still have a shoulder to lean on whenever they are weary. it also depicts the emotion of those who choose to support their love ones on their decision no matter how painful it may be for them.

 And so I'll leave a question for your mind to ponder. "Does love ends when relationships are over?" Does your caring for each other that you have carefully build up can be shattered by those hardships  that you've endured together.?

Maybe this song could help you think for the answers.

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love

Raincoat

Last night along with the heavy downpour of rain, I was given a chance to travel back home wearing my raincoat. (supplied by our contractor) Though the rain and winds are strong, I still manage to arrive home safely with a little sleepy eyes and full of wandering thoughts.

I do love the rain, and while walking i made some playful gestures together with the dancing water pouring on me. Then I remember the last time i wear a raincoat was during my fourth grade which was ages ago. Back then i have a blue raincoat that covers my whole body and the usual end of my class were at around 5:00-6:00 in the afternoon. I remember that day when i was about to go home and the rain started to get stronger, I asked my classmate to accompany me as we walk back home. But to my disappointment, she refused my offer (it's a "she" and i have a slight crush on her). and So there I was walking sulky stomping my feet on the flood. My uniform and bag were all wet but i did not pay any attention to it. But then the amazing thing happen on that very moment.

I  heard a wonderful voice. the soft and sometimes loud striking of rain from all over the place gives a perfect nature-played and well balanced rhythm of music. A melody not even composed of notes and chords but consisting of delicate elements of earth, wind and water. It's as if the rain is talking to me. Whispering his story of adventure cycle from being vaporized at the sea to becoming a real life paintings of clouds, showering the earth in the form of rain and continuously flowing in a stream as it journey back into the sea. From then on rain becomes my friend and comforter. That might be the reason why I engaged in musical instrument playing hoping that i might be able to transcribe the unique language I've been hearing into something more of a humane understanding.

As far as I could remember, during my birthday It always rain. Whether it's a stormy, mild or just a rainshower, It sure didn't miss my special day. It might be a sign of greetings and blessings for another fruitful year of my life. I'am much more excited to see the rain falling from the sky rather than receiving gifts and party celebrations. Likewise, I would be upset if the rain would come the other day after my birthday.

I do have some collection of lovely experiences while in the midst of rainy season but that would be another story to tell.

"Water" purifies almost everything. It cleanses our body our soul and even our transgressions. It reveal the inmost desire of our heart in crystal clear and transparent layers of truth and honesty. It dissolve hate and wash away pain from sufferings. We even seek the comfort it can give as water quenches our thirst for love, compassion and mercy towards the others. With this element we we're baptized and declared holy, sacred and purified. Thus our eyes were opened and  we can now know the truth the" He" is the living water by which whoever drink from it would never get thirsty again.

At present, I could still hear the rain and its beautiful language, but now , I'm singing and sometimes when no one is around i would sway my stiff  belly, wiggle my feet and nod my head in slight dancing. Rain is my friend. And to some, they detested and wished that he just go and stay away from their lives. To them he is an enemy that brings disaster and an ender of livelihood and even lives.But in reality, my friend only want  to share this marvelous feeling, a child-like attitude of pleasing our father(or mother) for us to carry and put us in his protecting arms & be at peace.

And so last Wednesday night, I have given another chance to meet and play with the rain. It always reminds me that i would always be singing in the rain for this glorious feeling of being happy again. Perhaps Gene Kelly felt the same way too. He might have heard the music that I'm hearing when he write a song and sing it with all his heart.

I pray that someday all of us will hear your voice and feel the overflowing joy. And when it comes, fill our heart with your wonderful blessing.

Back at one

Just when i made up my mind that i would move my lazy feet forward and start anew, and just as I'm starting to pick up the broken pieces of my life that i myself willingly messed it up, then why do words not intended for me would hit me hard enough for me to get into the mud again..

Days are numbered, and I'm still in this mess. I've made a promise that I'll be better but i guess it might not happen. I'm still a failure and nothing changed. For once, i thought i could make a difference but I'm still stuck on this place where I've been chained all through out  my body,  including my emotion.  

Don't know what to do if  you'll come back for me. should i tell you the truth that I've disappoint you or should i tell you the other way around. Honestly, I'm ready for the worst case scenario for that day. But why does it hurt so much even if you dont know that you're throwing dagger after dagger that was not  meant for me yet find its way to pierce and torture my inmost core.

Were those treasured days didn't mean anything to you? Night after night i've been rehearsing my lines, memorizing the patterned script that one day i could sum up my courage to say to you. But now i believe it is all meaningless. Will you even bother hearing my plea? will you accept my decision? will you still see the sun rising the way we both perceived it to be like our promises to keep?

Am i just expecting too much from you, or am i fooling myself from the truth. either way, I still hope that everything would turn out to be for the good of those people involved, even if it means that we would be hurting the persons whom we cared most.

The only way for this things to prevent from happening is for me to get better . Better than the last time you knew me and better than the one you expect me to be. But how can i do it? there's so many things to do in such a small time. I have wasted a lot of days only to shake my senses which i dont know if it did anything good for me.

Im back to square one, and I've been here for quite too long.

Maybe i belong in here.

Or maybe not.

Wait !  wait ! wait !

my apology for the wrong mtv upload...

This should be the appropriate video for this blog....

1st Rain of May

Saturday May 07 9:30 pm,

I was still in the office at this late of night doing reports and updates on my monitoring form. I forgot to buy food for my dinner so i have to forcefully detached my butt-off on this plastic chair and buy food from the mall a few blocks away from our office. But the unexpected happen, heavy rain poured down from heaven creating a pool of stinky mixture of water and dirt.
The second typhoon for this year officially hit our place and I expect that due to the "La Niña" Phenomenon, typhoons for this year will pour large amount of fresh water  ready to take away crops from the field and lives of our dear countrymen.

Sunday May 08 7:30 am,

I had a good sleep last night, after a month of sleeping with scorching heat finally i had felt peaceful on cold air as i snore quietly. It's still raining, as strong winds and big drops of rain are visible as it strike the pavements of the ground. soon the substandard drainage system that our politician promised to repair will over flow, and once again it will turn our streets in to a channel of rivers and a playing event for those pesky kids shouting and running outside.

 I'm still in my room looking at the window  hoping that the rain would halt for a moment. I'll be going to the church to pray for my deliverance, but im still stuck in here waiting for that little moment of silence.

I love rain. When i was a kid, i used to smile whenever a typhoon with strong winds are comin and all i can see are floods everywhere. It only means that classes are suspended, more playing time and less studying.  For me, Rain is a symbol of reflection for each human out there who seek to reminisce their old happy life. Its the period of looking back and seeing ahead of your self while your sitting comfortably in your chair holding a cup of coffee while listening from the sweet music on the radio.

There was an old folk song that all of the kids knew. Although it was sung in our dialect, I'll try my best to translate it.

"If only the rain would be like chocolates
Oh how sweet is the Rain...
I will go out with my mwide open mouth !
Ah, haah haah hah haah hah haah hah ahhh,
Oh, how sweet is the Rain !


I used to believe in this wishful thinking, that someday, i wont be tasting this Tasteless water vapor instead i would be chewing sweet chocolates, covering my mouth with dark brown color of my make believe shower fantasy.

 Then after I finished eating those yummy thing i would grabbed a piece of paper folded it nicely until it would turn into a small boat of triangular shape. I dont know who taught me how to do it but it is definitely one of my happy memory as a child. Dripping wet from the downpour of the rain, running fully naked alongside with my friends( boys & girls) showering from the synthetic falls created from the downspout of our neighbor's roof and blowing at the top of our lungs as our paper boat would race from the gushing water out of the open canal.

 My body, though skinny at that time could withstand the cold breeze of the wind, my hair swaying as we danced and cheered for each other making huge and genuine laughter amidst this season where adults would remain sulky and grumpy.

 Monday May 09 6:00 am,

Still the weather is not good,  although the heavy rain were reduced to rain shower, still the presence of a dreaded storm remains a threat. I would be late for work this day if this rain would cause flood on my way to the office. I am wearing my favorite red jacket given to me by  someone who's close to my heart. I know that no matter how i love this season, many people would think the opposite. Just as i cannot please everybody or even within those whom i consider "dear" friends that I have failed numerous times.
They would hate me and think differently with all my actions and decisions in life, They would try to forget everything we shared, the funny and crazy sides of our friendship would be set aside just because of other people's reasoning, opinions and point of view that would make a harsh judging of my whole being. 

But i have accepted that though it hurts. Just as the weatherman have forecast the coming storm, I also knew somehow that it will all go this way. To them I am a scum, a hypocrite,  a shit-head with brains smaller than a snail.

 Tuesday May 10,  6:00 pm

I'm tired and i needed sleep. I was working more than 38 hours and i haven't  went home to rest. we should be wrapping up our works for a turn-over this day. Still the rain is visible outside. I remembered that today one of my friend will celebrate her special day.

There was a message on my social account from her, though I'm reading it with dizzy visions, I still managed to absorb her fury.

My friend convicted me as a liar. and that i had just used our friendship as a way to get what i want. And now the line of communication had been cut-off for both of us.

I knew what i have done to her was wrong, but never did i intend to use the friendship that we had as a means of fulfilling my urges. I don't know if her friends would understand that what I'm doing were only for her sake. Though my ways are like the ever changing water : unpredicted and messy, I knew that it would somehow turn out for the best for her account.
If all the things I've done would always be misunderstood, then so be it. I've been used to it ever since this curse started to affect my life. I just want her to be okay without me on her friends-list. Whatever we shared if being implanted on the minds of many would be "branded" as a work of an asshole.  but to me it was an act of expressing what i have felt for her amidst of this confusion and messed up life. I dont want to share my misfortune with her so i have to suppress this feeling i have for her, for i know that it is wrong and that the sword of the high and mighty would be directed on me. But forgive me, that time i have let my guard low, just for that one moment i hope i have let you know how much you mean to me alongside with the painful acceptance that i have to surrender and let you go on your own.

I'll pray for you even if they would reject the plea of a monster with huge horns or a wolf in a sheep clothing. i would still hope that you would be fine every time.

I've heard the news that there would be lots of rainy season coming up from the succeeding months. There's a bitter-sweet feelings in my smile. Maybe one of those rain will wash away all this mess in my life. Someday I hope a cleansing rain would clear her mind that i only long what's best for her despite the fact that my actions does not correspond with logic that most people have since the beginning of time.

Raindrops are still on the street, I guess I should walk barefooted as I go my own way, together with my beloved rain.

bleached

 Lenten Season

Thursday 

I tried fixing our bathroom door by plastering it with ready-mixed concrete but i made it worst than before. Now, there's a big peep hole under the door jamb and you can see a good view on whose dropping the bomb and whose not washing their hands after doing the deeds.

Friday 

I've had this great idea of washing my 2 shoes. My first pair is a rugged cloth type, while the other is a new sneakers.
So i set up for the soap, bleach & water and start washing the rugged one. It all went smooth until I've put my new sneakers on the water with bleach. I immediately notice how stupid I am. My dark brown sneakers turn slowly ( & surely ) into a rustic-orange color. I laughed at my foolishness and thinking how on earth could i possibly wear this now? Should i throw it away or continue to use it only on a fewer times?
Then a thought strikes me.Maybe my once perfect life and now obviously stained with this dark and lonely misfortune,  Needs a thorough washing. A very effective bleach that could melt all my agony away. I hope i could  turn my life back to where it once before.

Saturday

It has been 3 days since this year's Lenten season has begun, and so far I'm having my rest from stressful works, commitments, pressures and pesky contractors. While some are busy on proclaiming their faith and others enjoying their summer escapade, I'm stuck in this smelly house full of stinky poop and pee from our rogue cat.
No matter how many times I try to drove him away, he still finds his way to mess my whole day pooping everywhere.

Sunday.

Today is the last day of my "vacation" and I accomplished nothing. Maybe i should start "bleaching" my life and i guess i should try praying first. Somehow i hope that this "Season" of my life should end soon. and I pray that i could get there still in a piece

 

My shoes in Its former glory

Origami

Out of boredom at the office, i took a piece of paper and folded it into an airplane. The one that i used to do when i was still innocent of all this crappy things I've had. Then i started humming like the fighter plane engine and lift my creation in the air. I started to beat the altitude high and dive low as fast as my arms. It's as if I'm on the mission to exterminate the evil by dropping the bomb right in their core. I imagine how valiant this lone fighter, who have put his life down for the sake of freedom and peace.

I have made the assault swiftly and i was about to declared my mission "accomplished" when suddenly a "hit seeking missile come out of nowhere. My fuel is low, my eyes faltered and a couple of bullets are still in my ammo. I Lift my eyes to the clear blue sky, the sunshine gives me warmth, then i smile as i said "its a good day to die". I've made my vessel turn around and face the death, I'm not afraid anymore, my life will be remembered I shall live !. Then an enormous explosion happened as the stars witnessed the birth of a new hero.

That's how my childish story end. Well i think i over did it I just missed those days where all im thinking are the bunch of toys and gadgets that would make my mind busy at imagining stories of heroic deeds, of love and passion and of funny moments that would tickle my spine.

Maybe someday I could go back to those point of my life. Perhaps when  my son (if ever i got one...or two) grows old enough to share his dreams with me, then we could play along and create a world for both of us.

In real life, I was different from the protagonist I have made. I'm still afraid of many things, I'm a coward who run away before the battle begins and i choose to lurk in the dark and look at the clear light from above.

I know the day will come when i would boldy step into the light and see the bright future ahead of me. Then I guess folding papers into a plane or a boat or even a house will no longer matter to me. For if that day comes, This two hands that i'm raising up will build a city that my childhood stories are dreaming of.

P.S.

Just as i have finished my "childish playing" I've heard the news from Mr. USA that a certain terrorist was declared dead eight days ago through air strike on their camp.
coincidence? nah, i think not.

                                                        a horse and his boy

                                                                       fly... fly...fly

                                            row, row, row your boat...

                                              I really miss this moment  : (

Another one bites the dust

I'm a jerk that's all i know.

There's a pain in my chest that i want to let go.

a few days ago, I've made a painful decision. It's the same old  thing over and over again.

Now I must bury this feeling more than six feet below the ground before i regret it and comes alive to drag me down. 

Must i sacrifice everything i desire for the sake of doing "what is right and what is good"?

I have sacrificed a lot, I've been hurt many times from this decree. Are those things not enough for me to have what i want and what i desire even though it goes again with the standards?

The same pathetic cycle of misfortune starts with :

1.chance meetings
2. knowing
3. attachments
4. identifying the dilemma
5. formulating solutions
6. applying the solution ( the hardest part)
7. leaving against your will
8. regretting the decision
9. moving on
and...
10 dying

These are the "right things to do".Where people with different perspective will look down on you, criticize and mocking you when you try to disrupt half way of the cycle.

If my "own" decision were to be followed it would be like this.

7.  staying behind
8.  fighting  for "what's right for me"
9.  moving on... with you
10. living

But I am a coward and always fell behind I don't have the courage to stand up for what i believe. I was raised to be obedient in this cycle. but my heart was made to disobey the rules.

I've been hurt many times, I have piles of regret that haunt me on my dreams. A towering "what-if'" from my past experiences had block my vision  & unable to see what the future holds for me.

I want to get out of this mess, see the beauty of what lies beyond. The fulfillment of doing what you desire even if it brings you pain,  at least I have stand up for what i believe.

In two months time I would be facing another decision for my life. I hope i would find some courage to get out of  these chains and probably do what i must do.

If the result by then are just the same, I know i have done my part and its up to fate whether they'll give me a meaningful future or a life that i pushed away.

Right now I'm standing at the crossroad. Sooner or later I have to make my move.

It's inevitable.

and Im not sure what to do.

I'm scared.

Somebody... anybody .... please

help me

noon time ranting

Thursday,10:30 am

I found myself standing alone while thinking a lot of things. Yesterday was one of my bad days, stressfull office works, dealing with difficult people, short in allowance and lack of sleep.

 I'm at the Penthouse floor of this "almost finished" building we're trying to construct. Its hot in here, the sun is blazingly furious to me that even with a cap, i still felt this enormous heat burning up my whole being. This building is just a few blocks away from the shore a midst of a developing area owned by a Mall mogul with a lot of ways  throwing his richness and spending it with business establishment that serve as his investments.

So now I'm here forcing my guts to finish this wretched project which coincidentally my former boss was commissioned to do the drawings. But that is another story to tell and this blog is not about him.

I've been thinking if after i have completed this building, where would i go? Will i take the gamble of finding another job that would suit me? Do i have to leave this country and kiss the scorching heat goodbye? should i take the risk by going on solo and start my dream to plan into fulfillment?.

Nah, i guess i wont, Its just like my friend told me I'm just an average guy. - Nothing more nothing less.

This building has a lot of memories for me, aside from robbing my smooth silky complexion, I've gained knowledge, experiences, friends "dear friends" and more than friends.

There was a time when i thought of ending my pathetic life here by jumping at the highest part of the crane. Luckily someone shake my senses back to its original place. I've been capable of handling multiple task to complete in a day, been sick almost every week and the worst of them all, been rejected by someone whom i cared.

12:00 noon

the sun is at his peak, I've seen the workers like tiny ants crawling back to their burrows and the calm sea from afar. I felt the humid breeze, smelled the bad breath from one of the visitors that i am  stuck to assist in this inspection.

12:25 pm

Finally they left, I'm starving. I 'm craving for a mouth watering ice cream on top of the ice cold cola, sizzling chunk of beef and a mountain pack of rice.

Maybe I'll miss this event. Or maybe not. All i know is that I'm hungry and im hallucinating that "she" (the dear friend i mentioned above) was with me while eating the unusual food that we tried to eat with grass moss rolled on a thin surface of yellow like cloth.

I guess I envied her feellings after eating that stuff . Someday i might want to know how does it feel to be like that. I think its possible even with a naive guy like me.

1:03 pm

I'll be heading back to my post and try to remember other things that happened in this place. But who on earth cares what i feel. Memories will be buried and forgotten just like the shells of this soil that was once part of the sea. Useless and insignificant.

half of my day have past. another half is yet to be explored, This time i think im getting a little luck.

or I'm still stupid hoping for a happy ending.

this is reality, not a fairy tale

                             we were warned not to post any of the progress photos for secrecy purposes.

if that's the case then why do we still build this humongous Secret. Can we remain it "secret" built in print papers?

that tower crane is approximately 50 ft below sea level, its not worth to jump unless you have a bungee rope attached to your feet. but its pretty decent place if  you like to try what i thought back then

uhm, the color of my hard hat is yellowish white

10,000 promises

I'm Tired...

But i have to endure, my legs are numbed my hands are shaking and my visions are somewhat blurred as i stare that tiny hoop above. I've been perspiring alot my naked body is soaked in mixture of sweat and perfume. Whether I stink or I smell good it doesn't matter to me. Because for now i only have one goal.

After those sleepless nights, frequent nightmares and lack of  sleep, I decided that I should tire myself before hitting the bed. This is to let my body be weakened and long for a sweet sounding sleep. So i try sports. Although I am not good in any physical games, I know that it would tire me much faster than reading some boring books from Paulo C. and  Stephen K.

So I choose to play the ever popular basketball. First, I bought some cheap basketball hoop with the logo of the renowned university who has been a consistent champion in the tournament. then I bought a plastic ball fitted for that ring (another cheap material). As soon as I'm home, I nailed it on a wooden post and started my childhood game by myself.

10,000 basketball good shots - that was my goal ! well at first I told to myself i can do it with perfection and endurance. but as days go on I 'm starting to get frustrated on my slow progress. I set up everyday schedules for this throwing 500 shots a day would requires me to complete it  in 20 days or 3 weeks assuming i could hit it 500/500. The days will lengthen only if i made some poor shots and slow progress.

Every night after the stressful day of office works i would hold the ball and start shooting until i can no longer lift my hands. But still i was disappointed on my result. Then i started doing some stuff alongside with playing and meeting the daily quota.

Every shots i will throw are promises i have given to my self, to my loved ones, to my friends, to my enemies and other stuffs whether i have fulfilled it or not. This will enable me to think back and reflect on how worthless I am and the pain it bears will be felt again. But as i made a clean shot from the hoop it would mean I am released from that bondage or i would try to find the solution for it.

It was so hard and tiring, 100 attempts for free throws, 100 attempts from lay-ups 100 attempts from fast-break jump-shots and two hundred from anything goes ( 3-pointers, hook shots, fade-away and dunks [as if i could ] )

It was my fifth night of doing this stupid game. I'm still in my uniform i wear from the office, my hair are swaying and soaked in sweat. all i can hear is the noise from the bouncing of the ball from my hand to the floor into the hoop and back to my hand again. the last 2 nights i only made some 99 shots out of 1000 attempts. Pretty irritating huh, maybe basketball is not for me, but maybe those promises i have made from every person i know wasn't really for them. I might be the guy full of craps and all i can do is to let them count on my bitter-sweet  lies sugar-coated from promises and assuring words of comfort.

Tonight, I haven't made any "basket count" maybe I'm thinking too much or maybe I'm too tired and stress for this or I just can accept the fact that i am an untalented guy that act as if I'm the heir of Michael Jordan.

If only i could make just one shot with "nothing but net", just a sweet sounding of the ball touching the net (swish) would make my feeling a little bit lighten from this unfavorable day.

10, 000 promises are the things that crushes my spirit and letting me drown from the mud. If only i could lifted it up then perhaps i could dream again and this time i wont make any promises that i cannot do. Maybe i might have a chance to be different and a true good man for them and for "Her"

My last shot for this night is a free throw. I concentrate hard and dribble the ball with caution raise my shivering hand and look straight to the hoop. As i stare far away i imagined "you" in the sky guiding my hand as i throw the ball. It made a beautiful arc a perfect release towards the hoop. I close my eyes and turn around, pick up my towel and head on for a shower. A pure gentle smile is on my lips for i swear heard the sound i longed for this night.

Did i made the last throw? well i should say yes if that's what i want, but it's up to you if you'll believe whether i told the truth or another of my fancy promises and extra ordinary stories.

Oh by the way, tomorrow i'll start by counting at 100.

swish

his airness

                                                          "In your face"

                                                                        
                                                                  Am I still on Camera?

                                                                definitely not my day

"mommy he took my ball away"

Dreams or Nightmares

 Dream # 1

The other night I've dreamed about "Remy"(not her real name) for all i know Remy is a sweet shy lady with a beautiful smile and melodic voice that I've only heard thrice in my entire life. To make the long story short, We both fell in love with each other but after a year I decided to let go of her for her own good. i
It pains my heart to do this decision, but i really love her and i want the best for her. We parted our own ways in a romantic dance while giving her a tight embrace that up to now i still feel it and regretting the mistake I have made.
After Twelve years, she found me in my dreams. It was a lonely dark night on a street full of dim lights where people with heart broken used to go and drown themselves in alcohol. I entered the room just in time for their premier singer to give a once in a life time performance. So i waited for the lady whom everyone is so excited to see on stage. Then there she was, with her sweet smile and her petite  moving, I have easily recognized her. She started to sing with those melodic voices she possess that i treasured in my heart. she was dancing as the crowd were captivated from her charm. then she stop and look at me or i guess on the direction to where I am standing. she gave me a nod and another of her gentle smile. She walked towards me as the crowd looked into us wonder who the heck I am.
Her words that echoes in my ear as she softly whisper "remember me?" just as i was about to say " yes", my mom snatched my pillow that Im hugging tight.

Dream #2

Last night just as i was expecting to have a nice dream again probably the continuation of that dream or maybe from another setting that im familiar with. This time I was taken back much farther than my earlier dream. I was in my Grade School Campus, seeing my old friends and classmates doing stuffs we havent done for so long, playing, shouting, bullying, eating junk foods and other notable stuff for any typical kids. But the problem is I am aware of myself as an adult. Just as i am having fun with these reminiscing dream, I saw a woman was shouting at me telling me to come over. so I approached her and told her what she want.
"You have got to come home now Bee ! " she said. "Why, what's the matter? looking worried yet smiling.
"Its about your father" "My father, but He's-" she cut me off "We rushed him to the hospital he had another heart attack and he was unconscious, we have informed your mom and she's on her way to the hospital she told me to look for you and get you home quickly."
I knew in my mind that my father is dead yet by hearing that same news it gives me a stirring pain in my heart hot tears rolled than on my face as I ran hoping to catch up with them. I ran until i hit the wall in my bed and then i woke up just like that.


Two dreams with different settings and different emotions that i never knew it would greatly affected me.
Before i close my eyes and dreamed my first dream I am thinking about "Gwen"(again not her real name) and I'm trying to etched in my mind the wonderful times we had spent together. But to my surprise, "Remy" comes out. I've been thinking about it the whole day and what meaning it has that i need to know at this point of time.
Her words "remember me? seems like an odd thing. Of course I've always remember her, she was my first love relationship that i take seriously. Maybe what she meant was to remember her and the times I have spent together (if there's any) and the lessons we both learned from each other.


The Second one was about the final hour i have knew of my father's death. How the bad news that sent my emotions upside-down and despair would crawl in my emotion. The funny thing about it is that i knew that I am an adult with lots of experiences in life. But as always I act as a coward and denying the truth. I really want to see my father and told him how much i missed him. But I do not want to see him again in a  suffering state. I would like to see Him once more in a happy and proud state just like any parents whose waiting for their children to come closer and carry them in their loving arms.
But why that tragic death over and over again. I've been dreaming that scenario for four times already and the more i remember it the more my heart sink into deep remorse.

Maybe those dreams are telling me something what i should do and yet i do not want to do. maybe I'm afraid to hope for a better tomorrow (again if there's one for me) Just maybe the joy and that sweet feeling will last when i truly give in to what my dreams are demanding me to do.

-To let go.

Or maybe I'm wrong, what do you think?

                                                I miss my old man

                                          You catch me when i fall still
                                           with a smile on your face  

even in dreams "Remy" you speak so little yet so straight in my heart

Contagious Misfortune

"Misfortune is like a virus that destroy your inmost core. But just when you thought you can heal it, It will affect those whom you love most. Friends, families and loved ones taking greater damages from your emotional and mental capabilities.

At first i did not pay attention when one of my friend have been infected by these. I thought it was cure-able, that i could cheer her and tap her shoulder while comforting her as i say " relax, you still got me". But i was wrong.

Two weeks after the night we parted our ways, the first symptom occurs to her, she texted me that her mom was diagnosed of leukemia. I told her i would pray for her and her family. But after 3 hours I was also attacked by this "misfortune". My Aunt died and i grieved for her loss.
the next thing I knew i was sick and so is she. She's complaining of chest pain, while i was complaining how the heck my life become like this.
The only thing I got from her are this planner and the little cut-outs drawings made by her hands. But to some point I messed it up by treating it into my weirdest emo moments.She was angry and even cursed the days we spent together.
There are a lot of questions that was left unanswered, i guess I'd choose to remain like that.

But for you i will try to answer some of it

1. Yes, your friends are right I'm ugly inside and out, i do not deny it but it hurts specially when it comes from the person whom you appreciate most
2. I am so Naive that people called me the human callous but again I choose to be like that. I wear the mask of stupidity -  but i do care for you.
3. My life is a mess - that is why i dont want you to get involved because you do not deserve to be in the place where I'm standing now.
4. I choose not to communicate with you so that you wont feel blue whenever we talk about what's happening to our lives. But heaven knows that day and night i pray for you and your mom.
5. Thrice a week I am visiting the spot where we last sat down and talk over hearing the music that we once heard and laughed at. Watching the beautiful sunset asking for God to let me go back from that time when im with you.
6. I dont care if my grammar sucks our how lousy my "English language" are. What i care about is how i could reach my emotions to you thru unspoken words and silent prayers.
7. Just as what i told you, I felt the same thing for you but you know how my life was so *&cked up
8. And your right again, that being with me is a waste of time that figuratively i was not even qualified for a PBA spot and your standard requires for an NBA caliber. But my Mom knows that every night when  i got home i practiced a lot of shooting. An attempt of 200 shots per night hoping to get at least a good shot from the rim, while thinking of your condition.
10. That i wished i could have done more and shown you more how important you are to me. When the night i fetched you home, when i hold your hand and hugged you' i wish i'd never let you go. Even as you went upstairs and fade to the night, i wished i could run back to you and hold you just to say the words that i have let it go from my lips.

And now im still here in this mess while you were there and exploring your life. Yes all I want for you is happiness even i would sacrifice the things we shared just for the sake attaining that "happiness" of yours.


Go my dear friend, to the place where the sun shines the most and always remember that there's a man who sit on the edge of the earth, watching you as the sun sets to fade and darkness shall fall on his miserable life.

  - And he did not intend to share it with you. It only leaks out when the day he admitted to himself that he cared for you.


Im sorry

fireworks

Tonight i am watching another series of fireworks display. It has been four consecutive weeks that those noisy shows are bothering my peaceful and melancholic work.Every time it begun people from my office dropped their things look at the window or find some perfect view for them to bear witness the flickering lights above the sky.
As i watched my childish friends shouting and laughing on the stupidity of fireworks display, I have been thinking what are the good things they gave to everyone of us. I mean its just a waste of time stopping from your usual routines just to look up in the sky. or even waste of money for buying expensive explosives that would blow away even your treasured riches. Then after the laughter and cheering fades away they got back to their usual self as if nothing really happened, so what's the point of doing those idiotic activities if after  the show no one bothers to remember what you did.

Well for superstition and religious belief , they say  it drives away negative  vibes for the rest of the year for you to be lucky. (not applicaple to me )
I also really cant comprehend why couples and sweethearts seated on grass mosses hugging and kissing while the non stop event take place. are they hoping that their self proclaimed love for each other would last forever? To me their feelings will end faster than this moment of firecracker's final show.
Families tried to have some picnic settings while watching the show, eating sandwiches and drinking beer are the usual menu for this, little children even make a wish when the have seen the explosion of colorful lights in the air. 

After seeing those little imps close their eyes and make a wish for themselves i suddenly remember something from my past to where i was just like that child who believes in a "brighter" future and wishing all my desires would come true. I remember the time when i used to be excited to see the fireworks on new years eve and i would jump as high as i could shouting giggling and wishing that this year would go in my favor.Back from the days when those fireworks that light up the sky, even after for a while we have witness a glimpse of hope, a chance of  faith and looking towards the future with determination on whatever it brings to us , we can still rise up anew.

 Well i guess there's no harm in joining those bird brains who are enjoying these event. How I wish I could see my dear enemies, my rivals, my boss, my noisy neighbors and those who look down on me all tied up each on every firecrackers. As one by one they will all fly into the heavens upon ignition and in a matter of seconds their inmost being will blend on the sparkling and colorful lights that fireworks would give us. That ladies and gentlemen  is what i called satisfaction.

Now I am enjoying the show, with each and every fire ammunition that light up the sky would commemorate every person i detest.
It really put a big smile, cheers and around of applause from me.

                                                                 my noisy neighbors

                                                and they all vanished without a trace

                                                There goes my boss in his true color

     

whoa ! im loving it !