Surprisingly whenever I'm in this situation I used to feel that I'm a worthless bug. but now something's different. I've never stop smiling and talking to myself as i repeatedly saying " i never thought that the answer is so easy".
I'm talking about these series of unfortunate events that I've been experiencing in my entire life. Im still in a mess but atleast now, not only do i know what to do but i know the right motivation as well.
A few hours back I've met an old friend. I recently added her in my social networking site and we planned to set up a friendly meeting for almost 7 months ago. Today is her birthday, and we agreed to have a double birthday celebration since I turned 29 last Tuesday.
So there I was sitting quietly at the couch of Starbucks waiting for her to arrive. And when she does I greeted her a nice happy birthday and chatted for awhile about how her life was. We talked about our old friends and classmates (we've been classmates since gradeschool) stories of triumph, success, failures, hopes, death and new lives are the things we shared during our quick chattings.
While were eating graciously, our topic went from light to serious to funny and to duh-i-forgot-the-details-i-must-be-getting-old. the rain finally stop pouring her share and we decided to go our separate ways. we bid farewell and wave her goodbye as i called for a common cab ( jeepney ).
Now Im here in my bed smiling like a crazy dork for i have figured out the answer to the pain I've been battling for over a year now. and it lies on one of our conversation.
While eating pizza i remembered the "jerk-ish" act I've made to her. I told her she was my first serious (puppy) love at the age of 11. And she was the first girl who broke my heart by refusing to be my girlfriend because we're too young for a serious relationship. This made me changed the way i perceived love for the opposite sex. It is the root of all my grumpiness, dead-serious and acting like adults in both mind and body gestures. In short i become a jerk.
the following six years that we were classmates, I swear that i would make a nasty statement in her face. That she had made a very bad decision refusing my offer. I become her worst nightmare. Every birthdays she had I've make it to the point that she would cry a lot from surprise pranks, hate letters and insults. All because I wanted to prove to her that I'm the better person between her current lousy boyfriend.
Years have passed and now she had a happy family with two kids and a loving husband. While i remained single (for now) and enjoying the days with my dear girlfriend. Until last year, I have made again another stupid decision.
We were enjoying our meal when i told her about my situation she just looked at me and said.
"what happened to the man i knew before?"
"uh dont know maybe he just turned into a dork"
she laughed as she replied "you've always been a dork, you're a one crazy dork and oh i mean the ONLY one i knew" as she continue to chew the food. "but the dork i knew is so sure of himself as he repeatedly proved to me that he is right about the matters of his heart."
"maybe he just give-up"
"I seriously gonna punch you right now, since when did you ever given up sending me your nerve wrecking pranks, hate letters and good-for-nothing pick up lines only to prove your point that even my mom would sneak up on my room just to read your scribbles"
"wait ! did you mean your mom knows all the stuff I've been doing?" I asked sweatily.
"yup, she knows everything" with a grin on his face.
"and?"
"nothing !" she just read it, smile and said "hmmppff, kid-stuff" then she give it back to me and told me to keep it for her grandchildren to read on.
"whoa, wait do you plan on showing that to your kids? that's just an old bullying stuff "
"well i dont see any reason why not? and besides it would be a warning to my kids to avoid any contact with weirdos with a penmanship like this."
A short pause and we both laughed.
" Thanks you really have your own way of revenge" i just blurted.
"And there's one more thing "
"Oh there's more great" with gesture of hidden sarcasm
" I would tell them that this jerk have helped me become strong in all the challenges i had and that no one can ever make me cry again"
"Ahm, hey did i made you cried alot?"
"more than you'll ever know. but I'm done with it and the important thing is that I'm better & stronger now because you have been a part of my life."
"uh..er... thanks. so is this the part where i should cry now?"
"Your still as dumb as ever."
all throughout the dinner, we just laughed at the memories we had. Whether it is good or bad we simply share the denials and happy stories of a bully and a bullied. We ended our evening chat at 10:30 pm.
When i got home my heart felt like a heavy burden has been lifted up. It's as if my eyes have set free from the blind fold and my heart turn back the hands of time. My friend had reminded me of who must I be. There's no need for me to change. No need for me to be a better person or even better than the one they expect me to be. I just needed to be the "Me" that i refused to accept. The "I" that everybody knows of and accepted for what i truly am with all my failures and shortcomings. No mask, no imitations, no pretending and no wishful thinking of being somebody else.
Lastly she told me to save & fixed the relationship that i had not because of the 11 years that we shared or because of some other reasons others could find worth fighting for. It's simply because I knew all along the answer to the questions I've been searching for. That I'm just being stubborn to listen to what the truth is telling me. She believes that the real idiot are those whose trying to be somone else and throwing their own identity. she also said that I'm a dork (or a monster or a hypocrite) a dork that fight for his love, constantly proving and breathing the air of being true to myself. A jerk that once upon a time had made her heart race whenever he's around and acknowledged his deeds.
