I'm a jerk that's all i know.
There's a pain in my chest that i want to let go.
a few days ago, I've made a painful decision. It's the same old thing over and over again.
Now I must bury this feeling more than six feet below the ground before i regret it and comes alive to drag me down.
Must i sacrifice everything i desire for the sake of doing "what is right and what is good"?
I have sacrificed a lot, I've been hurt many times from this decree. Are those things not enough for me to have what i want and what i desire even though it goes again with the standards?
The same pathetic cycle of misfortune starts with :
1.chance meetings
2. knowing
3. attachments
4. identifying the dilemma
5. formulating solutions
6. applying the solution ( the hardest part)
7. leaving against your will
8. regretting the decision
9. moving on
and...
10 dying
These are the "right things to do".Where people with different perspective will look down on you, criticize and mocking you when you try to disrupt half way of the cycle.
If my "own" decision were to be followed it would be like this.
7. staying behind
8. fighting for "what's right for me"
9. moving on... with you
10. living
But I am a coward and always fell behind I don't have the courage to stand up for what i believe. I was raised to be obedient in this cycle. but my heart was made to disobey the rules.
I've been hurt many times, I have piles of regret that haunt me on my dreams. A towering "what-if'" from my past experiences had block my vision & unable to see what the future holds for me.
I want to get out of this mess, see the beauty of what lies beyond. The fulfillment of doing what you desire even if it brings you pain, at least I have stand up for what i believe.
In two months time I would be facing another decision for my life. I hope i would find some courage to get out of these chains and probably do what i must do.
If the result by then are just the same, I know i have done my part and its up to fate whether they'll give me a meaningful future or a life that i pushed away.
Right now I'm standing at the crossroad. Sooner or later I have to make my move.
It's inevitable.
and Im not sure what to do.
I'm scared.
Somebody... anybody .... please
help me
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
noon time ranting
Thursday,10:30 am
I found myself standing alone while thinking a lot of things. Yesterday was one of my bad days, stressfull office works, dealing with difficult people, short in allowance and lack of sleep.
I'm at the Penthouse floor of this "almost finished" building we're trying to construct. Its hot in here, the sun is blazingly furious to me that even with a cap, i still felt this enormous heat burning up my whole being. This building is just a few blocks away from the shore a midst of a developing area owned by a Mall mogul with a lot of ways throwing his richness and spending it with business establishment that serve as his investments.
So now I'm here forcing my guts to finish this wretched project which coincidentally my former boss was commissioned to do the drawings. But that is another story to tell and this blog is not about him.
I've been thinking if after i have completed this building, where would i go? Will i take the gamble of finding another job that would suit me? Do i have to leave this country and kiss the scorching heat goodbye? should i take the risk by going on solo and start my dream to plan into fulfillment?.
Nah, i guess i wont, Its just like my friend told me I'm just an average guy. - Nothing more nothing less.
This building has a lot of memories for me, aside from robbing my smooth silky complexion, I've gained knowledge, experiences, friends "dear friends" and more than friends.
There was a time when i thought of ending my pathetic life here by jumping at the highest part of the crane. Luckily someone shake my senses back to its original place. I've been capable of handling multiple task to complete in a day, been sick almost every week and the worst of them all, been rejected by someone whom i cared.
12:00 noon
the sun is at his peak, I've seen the workers like tiny ants crawling back to their burrows and the calm sea from afar. I felt the humid breeze, smelled the bad breath from one of the visitors that i am stuck to assist in this inspection.
12:25 pm
Finally they left, I'm starving. I 'm craving for a mouth watering ice cream on top of the ice cold cola, sizzling chunk of beef and a mountain pack of rice.
Maybe I'll miss this event. Or maybe not. All i know is that I'm hungry and im hallucinating that "she" (the dear friend i mentioned above) was with me while eating the unusual food that we tried to eat with grass moss rolled on a thin surface of yellow like cloth.
I guess I envied her feellings after eating that stuff . Someday i might want to know how does it feel to be like that. I think its possible even with a naive guy like me.
1:03 pm
I'll be heading back to my post and try to remember other things that happened in this place. But who on earth cares what i feel. Memories will be buried and forgotten just like the shells of this soil that was once part of the sea. Useless and insignificant.
half of my day have past. another half is yet to be explored, This time i think im getting a little luck.
or I'm still stupid hoping for a happy ending.
this is reality, not a fairy tale
we were warned not to post any of the progress photos for secrecy purposes.
if that's the case then why do we still build this humongous Secret. Can we remain it "secret" built in print papers?
that tower crane is approximately 50 ft below sea level, its not worth to jump unless you have a bungee rope attached to your feet. but its pretty decent place if you like to try what i thought back then
I found myself standing alone while thinking a lot of things. Yesterday was one of my bad days, stressfull office works, dealing with difficult people, short in allowance and lack of sleep.
I'm at the Penthouse floor of this "almost finished" building we're trying to construct. Its hot in here, the sun is blazingly furious to me that even with a cap, i still felt this enormous heat burning up my whole being. This building is just a few blocks away from the shore a midst of a developing area owned by a Mall mogul with a lot of ways throwing his richness and spending it with business establishment that serve as his investments.
So now I'm here forcing my guts to finish this wretched project which coincidentally my former boss was commissioned to do the drawings. But that is another story to tell and this blog is not about him.
I've been thinking if after i have completed this building, where would i go? Will i take the gamble of finding another job that would suit me? Do i have to leave this country and kiss the scorching heat goodbye? should i take the risk by going on solo and start my dream to plan into fulfillment?.
Nah, i guess i wont, Its just like my friend told me I'm just an average guy. - Nothing more nothing less.
This building has a lot of memories for me, aside from robbing my smooth silky complexion, I've gained knowledge, experiences, friends "dear friends" and more than friends.
There was a time when i thought of ending my pathetic life here by jumping at the highest part of the crane. Luckily someone shake my senses back to its original place. I've been capable of handling multiple task to complete in a day, been sick almost every week and the worst of them all, been rejected by someone whom i cared.
12:00 noon
the sun is at his peak, I've seen the workers like tiny ants crawling back to their burrows and the calm sea from afar. I felt the humid breeze, smelled the bad breath from one of the visitors that i am stuck to assist in this inspection.
12:25 pm
Finally they left, I'm starving. I 'm craving for a mouth watering ice cream on top of the ice cold cola, sizzling chunk of beef and a mountain pack of rice.
Maybe I'll miss this event. Or maybe not. All i know is that I'm hungry and im hallucinating that "she" (the dear friend i mentioned above) was with me while eating the unusual food that we tried to eat with grass moss rolled on a thin surface of yellow like cloth.
I guess I envied her feellings after eating that stuff . Someday i might want to know how does it feel to be like that. I think its possible even with a naive guy like me.
1:03 pm
I'll be heading back to my post and try to remember other things that happened in this place. But who on earth cares what i feel. Memories will be buried and forgotten just like the shells of this soil that was once part of the sea. Useless and insignificant.
half of my day have past. another half is yet to be explored, This time i think im getting a little luck.
or I'm still stupid hoping for a happy ending.
this is reality, not a fairy tale
we were warned not to post any of the progress photos for secrecy purposes.
if that's the case then why do we still build this humongous Secret. Can we remain it "secret" built in print papers?
that tower crane is approximately 50 ft below sea level, its not worth to jump unless you have a bungee rope attached to your feet. but its pretty decent place if you like to try what i thought back then
uhm, the color of my hard hat is yellowish white
Monday, April 11, 2011
10,000 promises
I'm Tired...
But i have to endure, my legs are numbed my hands are shaking and my visions are somewhat blurred as i stare that tiny hoop above. I've been perspiring alot my naked body is soaked in mixture of sweat and perfume. Whether I stink or I smell good it doesn't matter to me. Because for now i only have one goal.
After those sleepless nights, frequent nightmares and lack of sleep, I decided that I should tire myself before hitting the bed. This is to let my body be weakened and long for a sweet sounding sleep. So i try sports. Although I am not good in any physical games, I know that it would tire me much faster than reading some boring books from Paulo C. and Stephen K.
So I choose to play the ever popular basketball. First, I bought some cheap basketball hoop with the logo of the renowned university who has been a consistent champion in the tournament. then I bought a plastic ball fitted for that ring (another cheap material). As soon as I'm home, I nailed it on a wooden post and started my childhood game by myself.
10,000 basketball good shots - that was my goal ! well at first I told to myself i can do it with perfection and endurance. but as days go on I 'm starting to get frustrated on my slow progress. I set up everyday schedules for this throwing 500 shots a day would requires me to complete it in 20 days or 3 weeks assuming i could hit it 500/500. The days will lengthen only if i made some poor shots and slow progress.
Every night after the stressful day of office works i would hold the ball and start shooting until i can no longer lift my hands. But still i was disappointed on my result. Then i started doing some stuff alongside with playing and meeting the daily quota.
Every shots i will throw are promises i have given to my self, to my loved ones, to my friends, to my enemies and other stuffs whether i have fulfilled it or not. This will enable me to think back and reflect on how worthless I am and the pain it bears will be felt again. But as i made a clean shot from the hoop it would mean I am released from that bondage or i would try to find the solution for it.
It was so hard and tiring, 100 attempts for free throws, 100 attempts from lay-ups 100 attempts from fast-break jump-shots and two hundred from anything goes ( 3-pointers, hook shots, fade-away and dunks [as if i could ] )
It was my fifth night of doing this stupid game. I'm still in my uniform i wear from the office, my hair are swaying and soaked in sweat. all i can hear is the noise from the bouncing of the ball from my hand to the floor into the hoop and back to my hand again. the last 2 nights i only made some 99 shots out of 1000 attempts. Pretty irritating huh, maybe basketball is not for me, but maybe those promises i have made from every person i know wasn't really for them. I might be the guy full of craps and all i can do is to let them count on my bitter-sweet lies sugar-coated from promises and assuring words of comfort.
Tonight, I haven't made any "basket count" maybe I'm thinking too much or maybe I'm too tired and stress for this or I just can accept the fact that i am an untalented guy that act as if I'm the heir of Michael Jordan.
If only i could make just one shot with "nothing but net", just a sweet sounding of the ball touching the net (swish) would make my feeling a little bit lighten from this unfavorable day.
10, 000 promises are the things that crushes my spirit and letting me drown from the mud. If only i could lifted it up then perhaps i could dream again and this time i wont make any promises that i cannot do. Maybe i might have a chance to be different and a true good man for them and for "Her"
My last shot for this night is a free throw. I concentrate hard and dribble the ball with caution raise my shivering hand and look straight to the hoop. As i stare far away i imagined "you" in the sky guiding my hand as i throw the ball. It made a beautiful arc a perfect release towards the hoop. I close my eyes and turn around, pick up my towel and head on for a shower. A pure gentle smile is on my lips for i swear heard the sound i longed for this night.
Did i made the last throw? well i should say yes if that's what i want, but it's up to you if you'll believe whether i told the truth or another of my fancy promises and extra ordinary stories.
Oh by the way, tomorrow i'll start by counting at 100.
"In your face"
Am I still on Camera?
definitely not my day
But i have to endure, my legs are numbed my hands are shaking and my visions are somewhat blurred as i stare that tiny hoop above. I've been perspiring alot my naked body is soaked in mixture of sweat and perfume. Whether I stink or I smell good it doesn't matter to me. Because for now i only have one goal.
After those sleepless nights, frequent nightmares and lack of sleep, I decided that I should tire myself before hitting the bed. This is to let my body be weakened and long for a sweet sounding sleep. So i try sports. Although I am not good in any physical games, I know that it would tire me much faster than reading some boring books from Paulo C. and Stephen K.
So I choose to play the ever popular basketball. First, I bought some cheap basketball hoop with the logo of the renowned university who has been a consistent champion in the tournament. then I bought a plastic ball fitted for that ring (another cheap material). As soon as I'm home, I nailed it on a wooden post and started my childhood game by myself.
10,000 basketball good shots - that was my goal ! well at first I told to myself i can do it with perfection and endurance. but as days go on I 'm starting to get frustrated on my slow progress. I set up everyday schedules for this throwing 500 shots a day would requires me to complete it in 20 days or 3 weeks assuming i could hit it 500/500. The days will lengthen only if i made some poor shots and slow progress.
Every night after the stressful day of office works i would hold the ball and start shooting until i can no longer lift my hands. But still i was disappointed on my result. Then i started doing some stuff alongside with playing and meeting the daily quota.
Every shots i will throw are promises i have given to my self, to my loved ones, to my friends, to my enemies and other stuffs whether i have fulfilled it or not. This will enable me to think back and reflect on how worthless I am and the pain it bears will be felt again. But as i made a clean shot from the hoop it would mean I am released from that bondage or i would try to find the solution for it.
It was so hard and tiring, 100 attempts for free throws, 100 attempts from lay-ups 100 attempts from fast-break jump-shots and two hundred from anything goes ( 3-pointers, hook shots, fade-away and dunks [as if i could ] )
It was my fifth night of doing this stupid game. I'm still in my uniform i wear from the office, my hair are swaying and soaked in sweat. all i can hear is the noise from the bouncing of the ball from my hand to the floor into the hoop and back to my hand again. the last 2 nights i only made some 99 shots out of 1000 attempts. Pretty irritating huh, maybe basketball is not for me, but maybe those promises i have made from every person i know wasn't really for them. I might be the guy full of craps and all i can do is to let them count on my bitter-sweet lies sugar-coated from promises and assuring words of comfort.
Tonight, I haven't made any "basket count" maybe I'm thinking too much or maybe I'm too tired and stress for this or I just can accept the fact that i am an untalented guy that act as if I'm the heir of Michael Jordan.
If only i could make just one shot with "nothing but net", just a sweet sounding of the ball touching the net (swish) would make my feeling a little bit lighten from this unfavorable day.
10, 000 promises are the things that crushes my spirit and letting me drown from the mud. If only i could lifted it up then perhaps i could dream again and this time i wont make any promises that i cannot do. Maybe i might have a chance to be different and a true good man for them and for "Her"
My last shot for this night is a free throw. I concentrate hard and dribble the ball with caution raise my shivering hand and look straight to the hoop. As i stare far away i imagined "you" in the sky guiding my hand as i throw the ball. It made a beautiful arc a perfect release towards the hoop. I close my eyes and turn around, pick up my towel and head on for a shower. A pure gentle smile is on my lips for i swear heard the sound i longed for this night.
Did i made the last throw? well i should say yes if that's what i want, but it's up to you if you'll believe whether i told the truth or another of my fancy promises and extra ordinary stories.
Oh by the way, tomorrow i'll start by counting at 100.
swish
his airness
"In your face"
Am I still on Camera?
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Dreams or Nightmares
Dream # 1
The other night I've dreamed about "Remy"(not her real name) for all i know Remy is a sweet shy lady with a beautiful smile and melodic voice that I've only heard thrice in my entire life. To make the long story short, We both fell in love with each other but after a year I decided to let go of her for her own good. i
It pains my heart to do this decision, but i really love her and i want the best for her. We parted our own ways in a romantic dance while giving her a tight embrace that up to now i still feel it and regretting the mistake I have made.
After Twelve years, she found me in my dreams. It was a lonely dark night on a street full of dim lights where people with heart broken used to go and drown themselves in alcohol. I entered the room just in time for their premier singer to give a once in a life time performance. So i waited for the lady whom everyone is so excited to see on stage. Then there she was, with her sweet smile and her petite moving, I have easily recognized her. She started to sing with those melodic voices she possess that i treasured in my heart. she was dancing as the crowd were captivated from her charm. then she stop and look at me or i guess on the direction to where I am standing. she gave me a nod and another of her gentle smile. She walked towards me as the crowd looked into us wonder who the heck I am.
Her words that echoes in my ear as she softly whisper "remember me?" just as i was about to say " yes", my mom snatched my pillow that Im hugging tight.
Dream #2
Last night just as i was expecting to have a nice dream again probably the continuation of that dream or maybe from another setting that im familiar with. This time I was taken back much farther than my earlier dream. I was in my Grade School Campus, seeing my old friends and classmates doing stuffs we havent done for so long, playing, shouting, bullying, eating junk foods and other notable stuff for any typical kids. But the problem is I am aware of myself as an adult. Just as i am having fun with these reminiscing dream, I saw a woman was shouting at me telling me to come over. so I approached her and told her what she want.
"You have got to come home now Bee ! " she said. "Why, what's the matter? looking worried yet smiling.
"Its about your father" "My father, but He's-" she cut me off "We rushed him to the hospital he had another heart attack and he was unconscious, we have informed your mom and she's on her way to the hospital she told me to look for you and get you home quickly."
I knew in my mind that my father is dead yet by hearing that same news it gives me a stirring pain in my heart hot tears rolled than on my face as I ran hoping to catch up with them. I ran until i hit the wall in my bed and then i woke up just like that.
Two dreams with different settings and different emotions that i never knew it would greatly affected me.
Before i close my eyes and dreamed my first dream I am thinking about "Gwen"(again not her real name) and I'm trying to etched in my mind the wonderful times we had spent together. But to my surprise, "Remy" comes out. I've been thinking about it the whole day and what meaning it has that i need to know at this point of time.
Her words "remember me? seems like an odd thing. Of course I've always remember her, she was my first love relationship that i take seriously. Maybe what she meant was to remember her and the times I have spent together (if there's any) and the lessons we both learned from each other.
The Second one was about the final hour i have knew of my father's death. How the bad news that sent my emotions upside-down and despair would crawl in my emotion. The funny thing about it is that i knew that I am an adult with lots of experiences in life. But as always I act as a coward and denying the truth. I really want to see my father and told him how much i missed him. But I do not want to see him again in a suffering state. I would like to see Him once more in a happy and proud state just like any parents whose waiting for their children to come closer and carry them in their loving arms.
But why that tragic death over and over again. I've been dreaming that scenario for four times already and the more i remember it the more my heart sink into deep remorse.
Maybe those dreams are telling me something what i should do and yet i do not want to do. maybe I'm afraid to hope for a better tomorrow (again if there's one for me) Just maybe the joy and that sweet feeling will last when i truly give in to what my dreams are demanding me to do.
-To let go.
Or maybe I'm wrong, what do you think?
I miss my old man
You catch me when i fall still
with a smile on your face
The other night I've dreamed about "Remy"(not her real name) for all i know Remy is a sweet shy lady with a beautiful smile and melodic voice that I've only heard thrice in my entire life. To make the long story short, We both fell in love with each other but after a year I decided to let go of her for her own good. i
It pains my heart to do this decision, but i really love her and i want the best for her. We parted our own ways in a romantic dance while giving her a tight embrace that up to now i still feel it and regretting the mistake I have made.
After Twelve years, she found me in my dreams. It was a lonely dark night on a street full of dim lights where people with heart broken used to go and drown themselves in alcohol. I entered the room just in time for their premier singer to give a once in a life time performance. So i waited for the lady whom everyone is so excited to see on stage. Then there she was, with her sweet smile and her petite moving, I have easily recognized her. She started to sing with those melodic voices she possess that i treasured in my heart. she was dancing as the crowd were captivated from her charm. then she stop and look at me or i guess on the direction to where I am standing. she gave me a nod and another of her gentle smile. She walked towards me as the crowd looked into us wonder who the heck I am.
Her words that echoes in my ear as she softly whisper "remember me?" just as i was about to say " yes", my mom snatched my pillow that Im hugging tight.
Dream #2
Last night just as i was expecting to have a nice dream again probably the continuation of that dream or maybe from another setting that im familiar with. This time I was taken back much farther than my earlier dream. I was in my Grade School Campus, seeing my old friends and classmates doing stuffs we havent done for so long, playing, shouting, bullying, eating junk foods and other notable stuff for any typical kids. But the problem is I am aware of myself as an adult. Just as i am having fun with these reminiscing dream, I saw a woman was shouting at me telling me to come over. so I approached her and told her what she want.
"You have got to come home now Bee ! " she said. "Why, what's the matter? looking worried yet smiling.
"Its about your father" "My father, but He's-" she cut me off "We rushed him to the hospital he had another heart attack and he was unconscious, we have informed your mom and she's on her way to the hospital she told me to look for you and get you home quickly."
I knew in my mind that my father is dead yet by hearing that same news it gives me a stirring pain in my heart hot tears rolled than on my face as I ran hoping to catch up with them. I ran until i hit the wall in my bed and then i woke up just like that.
Two dreams with different settings and different emotions that i never knew it would greatly affected me.
Before i close my eyes and dreamed my first dream I am thinking about "Gwen"(again not her real name) and I'm trying to etched in my mind the wonderful times we had spent together. But to my surprise, "Remy" comes out. I've been thinking about it the whole day and what meaning it has that i need to know at this point of time.
Her words "remember me? seems like an odd thing. Of course I've always remember her, she was my first love relationship that i take seriously. Maybe what she meant was to remember her and the times I have spent together (if there's any) and the lessons we both learned from each other.
The Second one was about the final hour i have knew of my father's death. How the bad news that sent my emotions upside-down and despair would crawl in my emotion. The funny thing about it is that i knew that I am an adult with lots of experiences in life. But as always I act as a coward and denying the truth. I really want to see my father and told him how much i missed him. But I do not want to see him again in a suffering state. I would like to see Him once more in a happy and proud state just like any parents whose waiting for their children to come closer and carry them in their loving arms.
But why that tragic death over and over again. I've been dreaming that scenario for four times already and the more i remember it the more my heart sink into deep remorse.
Maybe those dreams are telling me something what i should do and yet i do not want to do. maybe I'm afraid to hope for a better tomorrow (again if there's one for me) Just maybe the joy and that sweet feeling will last when i truly give in to what my dreams are demanding me to do.
-To let go.
Or maybe I'm wrong, what do you think?
with a smile on your face
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