Farewell Dada

They say that your life flashback in your eyes the moment when you're in the brink of life and death. No one can understand why it always occurs late in our lives, I mean why do we have to wait for that time to reflect our lives, Did Santa failed on reminding us whether we are naughty or nice during our childhood years?.

Death is inevitable for us protein-based living creature of this crappy world. We laugh, We cry, We multiply, We bleed and We Die!  that's how boring life could be for each of us. But somewhere along those mind-numbing years we find contentment and give meaning to others.

This is a story of Dada a woman who was neglected by faith, embraced by sufferings and loved by courage  standing still up to her last breath.

She was born from a poor family the second oldest of  seven siblings. She was not the favored child nor the brightest one or even gifted with finesse and beauty. Her father dislike her because of her poor performance in school. She was forced to stop schooling at an early age because he did not see any "future" for her. The old saying "No read, No Write" was etched in her memory that is why she also looses hope for Education. Her mother have lost interest in her when she married at the age of 16 to a Gambler at the arena for the "Birds of Dawn".

She was forced to do hard labor of selling fish in the morning, meat in the afternoon and flowers at night. She was a mother of  five children and for a moment she thought she was already in peace. But Death visited her frequently. She was widowed at 28, her youngest daughter died after a year and a couple of months old and her second son died tragically when he falls down on the roof of a 30th floor building.
During this "visitation" she held on to courage, to make her strong and still a piece.So life goes on for her until her first born brought her grandchildren of four and her now only daughter contribute a single angel. Time passed and soon Death is knocking at her door once again. She was diagnosed with complications due to excessive eating of sweets and sugar. But she still hang on and put a smile in her face for them to not loose hope and pray for a miracle. Soon she can no longer stand on her feet and barely breathing,  She asked for a priest to blessed her and confessed her transgressions. She refuse to eat and her take any of her medication. She start hallucinating and saw her beloved husband, her two children, Her father, her in-laws, her brother and her younger sister all of them who're reaching for her hand and smiling back at her.
After a day or two, she was willingly go back to our Father's house. 

Misfortune after misfortune, Fighting the pain and ignoring the sufferings are the things she battled daily.Yes, she belonged to the unimportant and to the type to be ignored. But during that time she have nursed and loved a child that would carry her hope, her love and her whole being alongside with her misfortunes in life. She have met Bee.

She treated Bee as one of her own child, she loved him and cared for him. Every day she always bought something for him after her exhausting work, she defended him and spoiled him on anyway she can. She had loved the child and the child loved her dearly even when he became a boy or even when he's a full grown man.
On her funeral wake, the man stood at her remains she looked at her face and saw that there was no trace of loneliness, she had that mesmerizing smile a calm expression that she really deserved to have. as He put his hand on the coffin he softly whisper "rest and be with your family, thank you for making me who I am today".

To the world she is unimportant, to me she is my everything, To her family she was neglected, to me, she was all i can hold on to in times of sorrow. To her family she was rejected. To me, i was accepted. She was great in my eyes lovely and beautiful, with wisdom gentleness she had mold me and told me to believe and keep on dreaming until the day it comes into fruition.

Farewell and i know you're happy to where you are now. you will always be alive in our hearts , I and the rest of those children you once hold in your arms and felt that we were loved by you.

letters of time

While sorting and browsing my "Memory Box" (a box full of craps ) I happened to pick up the strangest letters I have ever read in my entire life. 

Dear future Me,

By the time you have found this letter of mine, it only means that something bad has happened to you. While you were reading this I knew what kind of trouble you were going into. The pain, sufferings and loneliness are some of the emotions that burst from your heart. It is because you have made a firm decision, a bold step towards the crossroads of your life.Let me refresh your dull mind so that you can picture what I'm saying.

Eleven years ago, you were just like me, wise and honorable, you thought you can go head-on and fast forward your life. You have an overwhelming confidence and You were blinded by illusion that you are great. That time someone came into your life and you have made a bold decision to forcefully took up the responsibility. It was the same time that i was born in your subconscious mind. for you have seen the glimpse of your future and you fear that it will come into reality. As you go on into your oath you have leave me behind to serve as a reminder for you that you can no longer escape the world you have stepped on. 

Yes, Myself I am your conscience, you and I are one. You cannot escape me nor I am to you. The fact that you have sworn to be the good man you once claimed to be is now beyond your grasp. You are loosing control, confused and all the things you have dreamed of are now gone and worst of it all it was replaced by the exact opposite of what you have worked for.
Its time my friend to accept the truth that you have failed. For if its not so then why are you reading this note?.
I told you that all of this things came up because you have been scared of not fulfilling your task. So here I am telling you to think back and go to that time wherein you have all the answers on every question in your mind. Find me and perhaps I could straighten your twisted philosophy.

P.S.
If you ever want to retaliate my ideas please feel free to write me back, just leave your letter on this box and after a day or two, opened it and you will find my answers for you.

yours truly,
you.

After reading it I was astonished on how could this possibly be made into reality. So I tried it I grab a piece of paper and a pen then started striking back that pious man.

Dear You, (or should i say previous me)

It is true that I am amazed on how could you communicate with me even though my supreme intelligence tells that this is all gibberish. But as the saying goes that" curious mind dares the impossible" so here I am doing this like a psychopath.
It is true that I am in the state of pain and sufferings and it feels like my world is falling apart. I used to be great and all the things that I have said seems believable to others. But now, I am just a worthless Bug. I was called "the monster" for what I have done for breaking the promise and giving up the burden of the responsibilities you have known well..
I applaud you, earlier me for you have remained loyal in your role eventhough  you don't know when will your purpose be fulfilled. All hands to you because no matter what I do, you will still haunt me for giving up my role  as a good man. I imagined you laughing at my miserable position for you will be free and I will be imprisoned by regrets.
Yes I am broke, I am a loser and i failed a lot of people who are dear to me. But i will not hand over my life to you. for eleven years you did not existed  in my life then I am the only one who could erase you totally. You may have won this battle but the war is just starting. Just as someone made me like you then I also met someone here in this present time who have made me free from your mental lies. Fame, wisdom and reputation are the things that you have. and you claimed that i have lost this and have been an insolent fool since the day i have made up my mind. It pains me to be stripped away by all of my glory and left me in a state of misery. But i doubt that you did not foresee what i have gained in this state of despair. Perhaps you couldn't understand or even guessed what i have now that does not belong to you. Try to find that out but I know you will fail.

It will be a miracle to wait for your response but i will still try it and see how can you handle something that does not belong in your time.

sincerely yours,
future me

after a couple of days,  i opened my memory box to see if that outdated sub-conscious guy would respond to my beautiful reasoning.

Hey Dumbass (Im referring to you future Me)

It is true that I dont know a thing about who you've met in my future (or your present time) that would change your point of view in life. But i want you to know that your true self (the one who created "Me" ) whom i respect dearly was so troubled when your time will surface and He was deeply troubled that you might loose your way and let go of what He had build for you.
"He" created "Me"  for "You" for we share with one body, mind and emotions.Haven't you notice it already slow witted Bug that you needed me, you needed to embrace my identity and go back to the path you once walking into. Only by merging us in you, then you will be stronger and wiser, do not be stubborn and accept your fate. We will be waiting for you fool to come into your senses and let you join us.
 
yours truly,
the much wiser than You.

So now there's three of us, and two of them are in my past, This is so great, a bunch of archaic "Mes"  born by emotions imaginations fear and mental " disorders" would want to fuse with the Me now. So i replied for the last time and end this psychological battle.

Batman & Robin ( or whatever you want to called yourselves)

I appreciate your concern about my present conditions but I'm afraid I cannot allow any of you to command me on how i would take my life. Yes I know Im different from the "Yous" way back then, you claimed that you're better than me and you forseen the future. But guess what, I am laughing at both of "yous"  now. (oh boy this is fun).
First; if the guy who created you is so smart that he feared that I would be born as a disgraced in your lineage;  then where he is now? dont you think "he" should be controlling "us" at this present time? Second; if you claim that you were greater than me and all those craps that comes alongside with it, all i can say is I DON'T CARE ! the fact that I am living here in this present time means i have a purpose in life. Whether it will cause us good or bad effect in the future, still that decision is mine to choose. People change throughout time. People learned new things, experiencing success and failures which are included in their daily routines. They matured feebly or admirably in every struggles they met or challenges they face continuously. Finally the past cannot be brought back into life. It was there to serve as a reminder for the future. "he" have played his part and "he" tries to created you for "his" future but something happen somewhere at the course of this event that change his expected future and it bears the now "Me".
So i guess this is my time and not "yours or to "him". I will decide and take the full responsibilities of the fruit of my actions, I might fear and expect highly of my "future me" but the truth is I cannot know that for sure. No one knows what the future brings. We can only hope for the best result and prepare the necessary actions if the worst will come out.
Time is an amazing factor in this life. We only have one course and through it we can only pass by it once. I urged you to join me as i journey to this moments of my life and help me produce the Me that we always want Today, and in the days to come.
Thank you for opening my eyes my subconscious selves, but it's time to both of "yous" to rest and watch how I will perform my task in "my own time".

present Me


That was the last letter I ever wrote for myself, so i got up turned the computer on and probably surfing the net to watch again that Korean Movie "Il Mare" which starred the beautiful actress Jun Ji-hyun. or perhaps the American movie adaptation which were played by Keanu(architect) and Sandra(doctor) somewhere on the melancholic Lake House.

     I've always want to live in a place like this

 overlooking the lake, with an infinity pool surrounded by glass and melancholic lighting

   My initial reaction on the letters I've read.

 Someday, I might be able to surpass the status of this guy.