Take that step !

Dear Me,

I know that you've been trying to hold yourself from not breaking into pieces.I could see your drastic changes physically, mentally, emotionally and socially.The root of all these things points directly to your current job. Many times you've tried to inform your boss about your "graceful exit" but up to this day, you never had any success doing it. Either your so dedicated to your work or your just too numb to take the first step.

In two years time, you have completely changed from the man i used to know to a completely different person. You've done terrible things, stupid decisions, hurting your friends and even the woman you truly love.
You've constantly playing tug-of-war between your spiritual activities (which i know that you really love to do) and the time you spent with your work. But the sad thing is often times the latter wins out. Your healthy body has been shrinking fast, your eyes swollen from lack of sleep and you even snore while riding at the public  ten-seater "airconditioned-fx". I know that you love sleeping but lately everybody agrees that you badly need to rest.

I guess what you need is not just a 4 hour sleep after battling with consecutive overnight of work.In my opinion, what you really need is to rest for a much longer time. A vacation perhaps or a change of work environment.

I promise you however we can that we'll take on various side trips.I'll take you to a nice beach resort with delicious seafood cuisine. or a mountain hiking on a remote rain forest. Bathing at the nature's waterfalls. food tripping on native, Asian & European dishes. Watch recent movies in Imax every other week.Shopping spree to replace with your rugged (the rag like stuff you wear daily) jeans, shirt & shoes. We will visit the body spa to massage your aching muscles, take you to the dentist to thoroughly brush your teeth. We will go to the museum, historical structures and other eye catching landmarks. We will do all the sports you like; basketball, swimming, table tennis, cycling & chess tournament. We will enroll in music lessons for violin and keyboard then we will compose our own music and hymn of praise. We're going to reserve tickets for concerts, & theaters and collect the sold-out albums of our favorite bands.

And if the odds are in our favor, We will take the package tour to fly-out to Boracay, Bohol, Davao & Palawan. or on an open sea expedition at Puerto Galera, Bataan, Mindoro & Camsur or simply long road trips to Baguio, Baler, Mt. Provinces, Abra & Pagudpud. And if that were not enough, were going abroad, from here to  Greece, to Italy, to Venice, France, Egypt, New York, Chicago, Canada, New Zealand and to an exclusive tour around the world. After all these things your room will be filled with photos of happy memories; smiling, screaming,eating, sleeping laughing & praying.

But even if these things doesnt come into reality, I hope one day you'll find yourself in peace and contentment to the job best suited for you. Away from the maddening crowd, pressure and high expectation. You won't be hearing a single curse and belittling words of mockery that comes from all the people who looks down on you.

Just for now, you need to wait a bit more. Find patience & understanding, compressed your emotion & throw away those thrash-talking attitude.

All you need to do is to prepare yourself for the coming event. Heads up for a new beginning that awaits for you, for me, for Majer and all the people whom you cared a lot. It will all start when you decide with all your might to take a single step out of your current zone.

patiently waiting,

the real you.

In case i forgot

In case I forgot to text you when're expecting it.

don't think that i wont do it. I'm probably busy at work,

In case i forgot about the 17th day of the calendar,

dont be sad, i still have the sweet memories we shared during our monthsaries and anniversaries and I'll be glad doing it over & over again with you by my side.

In case i forgot to say "I miss you"

dont be hurt, the truth is I've been missing you every single time though i never show it directly at you.

In case i forgot to hold your hand like i used to,

don't close your hand or make a fist for i know that your precious gentle hands were created for love and compassion.

In case i forgot to delete all the evidence of my foolish wanderings, and you accidentally have seen it.

Don't be too depressed upon knowing it. I'm here for you now on bended knees regretting the time i left you.

In case i forgot our hopes, dreams and promises we had for our future,

Don't lose hope, we have our sweet past and a beautiful future awaits for both of us

In case I forgot all the hardships we've been through.

Don't get mad, my mind must be tired of it but my body knows the joy and the pain we have faced yet we remain the same.

In case i forgot to trust you.

dont give me a suspicious glare. just hold my hand press it gently and  take a deep breath while saying the words "I'll always believe in you."

In case i forgot your name.

Oh don't cry, just take me to where the sun meets the sea and retold the story of a jolly girl who waves her hand at me.

In case i forgot that there's a "you" in my life

Please dont leave me. We both know that someway... somehow... I'll find a way to remember the "you" inside of  me.

for the mind cannot take away what the heart have grown to love.

and if in case i forgot your birthday,

Well, that's the essence of writing this poem. to remind me in greeting a wonderful woman who have sacrificed a lot only to bring back the man i used to be.
 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY   MAJER !

prelude to the end

It was a rainy night of August and I'm lying in my bed thinking...

Surprisingly whenever I'm in this situation I used to feel that I'm a worthless bug. but now something's different. I've never stop smiling and talking to myself as i repeatedly saying " i never thought that the answer is so easy".

I'm talking about these series of unfortunate events that I've been experiencing in my entire life. Im still in a mess but atleast now, not only do i know what to do but i know the right motivation as well.

 A few hours back I've met an old friend. I recently added her in my social networking site and we planned to set up a friendly meeting for almost 7 months ago. Today is her birthday, and we agreed to have a double birthday celebration since I turned 29 last Tuesday.

So there I was sitting quietly at the couch of Starbucks  waiting for her to arrive. And when she does I greeted her a nice happy birthday and chatted for awhile about how her life was. We talked about our old friends and classmates (we've been classmates since gradeschool) stories of triumph, success, failures, hopes, death and new lives are the things we shared during our quick chattings.

 Then we proceed on the main event (which is the selection process on which store to eat) and we decided to go for the cab in yellow. I ordered a 14" pizza a soda and a lemonade tea.

While were eating graciously, our  topic went from light to serious to funny and to duh-i-forgot-the-details-i-must-be-getting-old. the rain finally stop pouring her share and we decided to go our separate ways. we bid farewell and wave her goodbye as i called for a common cab ( jeepney ).

Now Im here in my bed smiling like a crazy dork for i have figured out the answer to the pain I've been battling for over a year now. and it lies on one of our conversation.

While eating pizza i remembered the "jerk-ish" act I've made to her. I told her she was my first serious (puppy) love at the age of 11. And she was the first girl who broke my heart by refusing to be my girlfriend because we're too young for a serious relationship. This made me changed the way i perceived love for the opposite sex. It is the root of all my grumpiness, dead-serious and acting like adults in both mind and body gestures. In short i become a jerk.

the following six years that we were classmates, I swear that i would make a nasty statement in her face. That she had made a very bad decision refusing my offer. I become her worst nightmare. Every birthdays she had I've make it to the point that she would cry a lot from surprise pranks, hate letters and insults. All because I wanted to prove to her that I'm the better person between her current lousy boyfriend.

Years have passed and now she had a happy family with two kids and a loving husband. While i remained single (for now) and enjoying the days with my dear girlfriend. Until last year, I have made again another stupid decision.

We were enjoying our meal when i told her about my situation she just looked at me and said.
"what happened to the man i knew before?"
"uh dont know maybe he just turned into a dork"
she laughed as she replied "you've always been a dork, you're a one crazy dork and oh i mean the ONLY one i knew" as she continue to chew the food. "but the dork i knew is so sure of himself as he repeatedly proved to me that he is right about the matters of his heart."

"maybe he just give-up"
"I seriously gonna punch you right now, since when did you ever given up sending me your nerve wrecking pranks, hate letters and good-for-nothing pick up lines only to prove your point that even my mom would sneak up on my room just to read your scribbles"
"wait ! did you mean your mom knows all the stuff I've been doing?" I asked sweatily.
"yup, she knows everything" with a grin on his face.
"and?"
"nothing !" she just read it, smile and said "hmmppff, kid-stuff" then she give it back to me and told me to keep it for her grandchildren to read on.
"whoa, wait do you plan on showing that to your kids? that's just an old bullying stuff "
"well i dont see any reason why not? and besides it would be a warning to my kids to avoid any contact with weirdos with a penmanship like this."
A short pause and we both laughed.
" Thanks you really have your own way of revenge" i just blurted.
"And there's one more thing "
"Oh there's more great" with gesture of  hidden sarcasm
" I would tell them that this jerk have helped me become strong in all the challenges i had and that no one can ever make me cry again"
"Ahm, hey did i made you cried alot?"
"more than you'll ever know. but I'm done with it and the important thing is that I'm better & stronger now because you have been a part of my life."
"uh..er... thanks. so is this the part where i should cry now?"
"Your still as dumb as ever."

all throughout the dinner, we just laughed at the memories we had. Whether it is  good or bad we simply share the denials and happy stories of  a bully and a bullied. We ended our evening chat at 10:30 pm.

When i got home my heart felt like a heavy burden has been lifted up. It's as if  my eyes have set free from the blind fold and my heart turn back the hands of time. My friend had reminded me of who must I be. There's no need for me to change. No need for me to be a better person or even better than the one they expect me to be. I just needed to be the "Me" that i refused to accept. The "I" that everybody knows of  and accepted for what i truly am with all my failures and shortcomings. No mask, no imitations, no pretending  and no wishful thinking of being somebody else.

Lastly she told me to save & fixed the relationship that i had not because of the 11 years that we shared or because of some other reasons others could find worth fighting for. It's simply because I knew all along the answer to the questions I've been searching for. That I'm just being stubborn to listen to what the truth is telling me. She believes that the real idiot are those whose trying to be somone else and throwing their own identity. she also said that I'm a dork (or a monster or a hypocrite) a dork that fight for his love, constantly proving and breathing the air of being true to myself. A jerk that once upon a time had made her heart race whenever he's around and acknowledged his deeds.

the masseus

happy birthday 2 me !

One of the many activities we had for this day was the full body massage. I admit it was indeed my first time to undergo this kind of relaxation. There I was lying half naked on a small, comfy & dim lighted room waiting for the assigned therapist to lay her hands on my skinny body.

She was at mid 30 about 5'4" in height and it made me feel that she's like a mother who would massage her son after a tiring day. Her pressing and deep massage have a soothing feeling  together with some kind of a lotion applied to my lower and upper part of the body. She's a professional. She made my knuckles snap without any pain, relieve my backache and arm numbness.
 It only took an hour but it felt like I've been in the session for about 2 hrs. I felt my blood slowly circulating throughout  my body.The aroma of  the scented candle made me felt sleepy. And after the massage she handed me a warm towel to clean myself..
It felt good after the massage but i kept thinking how can she withstand the pain she would feel due to the repeatedly cycle of spa on every patients she had per day. An if ever she needed the relaxation for herself, who would be the one to give it to her.
and since its my day and I've felt a little bit of generosity, I gave her a nice tip for making my first ever spa worthwhile.

 

surprise !

10:00 am 

 We went to church and had a wonderful fellowship with my friends and fellow workers

12:00 noon

ordered meal for lunch at KFC

1:30pm

Attended discipleship lessons 

2:30 pm

attended small groups

4-5:00 pm

rest. had a short nap

5-7:00 pm

attended worship 101 class

After the class session my friend told me that we had a little meeting in the office, so we proceed at the informal meeting and right after that my friends prepared a surprise for me.

It was such a wonderful feeling having greeted by your friends who were joyfully singing and dancing giving me a merry happy birthday song.

There's food and a chocolate cake that scribbled my name and lots of fun as they each of them gave me a warm greetings with smile on their faces

I am very thankful for this event and it made my eyes teary as i speak my birthday prayers for my family friends and to myself.

We had a nice dinner & i couldn't thank them enough for their effort to celebrate in advance my birthday.

 I'll definitely cherished this day for in a short while i dont care about any of my insecurities, misfortunes, nightmares, angst and other negative emotions I've been written on this blog  for almost a year now.

This night I felt that i was important, loved, respected and special.



So i thank you all, and   I couldnt find any words best describe my gratitude for all of  your efforts.

And also thanks to the alleged "mastermind"  my dear and deeply loved special someone who made this surprise celebration in to a reality

thank you very very much.

 Jeffrey

its a 'bout time

It has been 10 month since I have a decent sleep.

Every night I've been sleeping at around 2:00 am and wakes up within an hour interval. After seeing the darkness of my room and the melancholic effect of the bright moonlight, I usually brushed away some creepy feelings and go back to sleep forcefully.

I should congratulate myself for being able to wake up in the morning, perform my duties at work, having fun with friends and doing other normal stuff of a typical guy would do in his life.

But It is also the second month that my sleep disorder have had an upgrade.

I rarely had nightmares and i'm pretty capable of handling it when it decides to ruin my dream. But lately I've had this sequence of nightmares every night for 61 dreams in a row. (62 for this night)

Different stories, places, people & set-ups that have connections with my past, present and future lives have been laid before my eyes in pitch black curtain.

From dead relatives trying to drag me down, life endings, tragic accidents, heartbroken, betrayal, light fading, anger,despair, illicit relations and violence, they all have patterned connections with each other. and before it ends it will provoke me to do the unnecessary but they never succeed

The "experience" usually starts when after having a peaceful dream, I would find myself be transported in a familiar place meeting with familiar faces and the rest is nightmare. After the nightmare comes to an end, I would come to my senses that it is all just a dream. I would try to react but quickly be pulled out back from my own self closed eyes & mouth wide opened. Although i never tried to open my eyes after knowing my situation but I've always felt there's someone or something touching and rubbing my chest with a chilling effect. It would make my heartbeat faster and immobilized my body for a brief moment.

All i can do is to gather my strength to clenched my fist and regain control of my sanity.

The next time i open my eyes would be at 6:00 in the morning.

Tonight, as i finished this blog i would lay my restless body in my folding bed and it's only a matter of time for me to do another battle of  logic and composure for i know that I'll be in trouble if i give into their demands.

So good night, sweet dreams  & fasten my "Bed-belt" for I'm on for the biggest bout of my life.

The curse of the black shades & the red jacket

if i wear this during summer or when the clear blue sky is up...

 

definitely, a quick storm will follow. 

and during rainy days where the wind blows cold and the rain seems endless, It is ideal to wear this branded suit.

But just like the previous item, when i wear this jacket during stormy days, I'll say hello to a bright and sunny day in a few seconds.

Weather can be crappy too don't you think? no wonder our forecaster were scratching their heads and deciding too late for suspending classes.

Tough Guys finish first

Yesterday we have received another report of accident in our construction field. That was the 7th recorded accident here ranging from minor cut to a gruesome blood spilling laceration.

the first recorded accident was from a man who allegedly pee-ing on the temporary G.I. wall. while relieving his urges the lamp post fall directly on his shoulder due to erroneous maneuver of crane that damaged the street light and eventually leads to the accident.---- the victim suffered from a shoulder injury and urinary disorder(phobia).

Second on the list are the stupid workers who were working and digging on the soil barefooted. The administration are strictly enforcing to wear the complete and proper safety gear during working hours and within the site premises. Those who were caught in disobeying the rules were fined with salary deductions.They were digging the soil up to eight feet deep for the foundation when suddenly the pile of soil had run off and buried them in half. oh did i mentioned that there were shrapnel of broken glasses, shells and twigs. Those grave diggers have experienced the actual condition of "six-feet under" with lots of bruises and laceration on their feet. This happened in a span of five minutes.

Third incident came from Tarzan and the acute  electrocution from a high tension wire. He suffered from a electric dance syndrome while hanging on the wire.


Fourth on the list is just a speck on the eye, but what if the speck is as huge as a rock falling from a concrete chipping works. The poor guy who don't mind using safety protection glass now permanently using his left eye while the right one is just a decoration.

Fifth is the "cliff hanger" guy whose head is as hard as the asphalt to whom his body clashes on. He was eventually crossing the pile of steel bars and wood, he forgot to tie his harness and seconds later a horrible scream of agony was heard from all over the place. He was rushed to the hospital aplied five stitches on the face, concrete cast on right arm and a few broken ribs.

The Sixth man on the list was more of a Boxing sport wherein he was smackdown by a fellow worker on the face like "iron" Mike Tyson smacking his opponent with a K.O. victory pose. The only difference in that was the boxing champ used gloves while the fellow worker used steel pipes. the poor challenger guy suffered from falling teeth, bleeding gums and a good night sleep for two days. And true enough just as tyson was put behind bars for his crime the striking fellow was escorted in the nearest jail.

The latest event goes to the three stooges. my fellow inspector reminded them to put the safety harness on the wire while they were removing scraps of the wall. They were standing on a platform with weak nail connection.
Then a deafening sound of thunder was heard and the three stooges are on the platform lying motionless.One with a broken arm, the second is still unconscious and the third one doesn't have a scratch. but bleeding from head to toe.-- They were admitted at the hospital with further examinations up to this day.

New incident would be added on the list if and only if the safety officer would slack off on their duty to remind the safety precautions on each and every persons working in this site.

Or maybe those people with hard head needs a lesson the hard way or they might experience the  practical  "actual" application of accident precautions.

"We build lives" (by taking others lives) were the rumored motto of construction related company. And this report would soon vanish in the record without any casualty compensation and assistance to their employer.

Quite a pretty business do'nt you think?

                                                           Anatomy of a life saving harness

                                                                  an ideal "tough guy"

the girl named adele

She was the bouncy lady with a superhuman voice. Despite her size she had overcome criticism from the watchful eyes of her critics in the industry. Her musical Genre in which she describe as "heartbroken soul".It is also describe by english news paper music critic as "a perfect backdrop to a lazy afternoon in the coffee shop." It is true enough for me when i first heard her song (rolling in the deep) the upbeat tempo, combined with angst and "Its-not-my-loss-&-i-dont-care" values have created a music that makes you think why do i ever had this kind of situation.

Her song chasing pavement ( the second song I heard from her) was a wake up call for all of us who're chasing blindly the stars that so high, walking on pavements which is not our own path to follow.
Turning Table is also one of the favorite for those people who are stuck in this messy life yet held their heads high and realized that the key thing to do is for them to get better and stronger. Strong enough to turn the table to their favorable side.

Lastly, this song of holding on and letting them know that they still got your back even if they've turned and leave you. It directly point to them telling your jerk friends(or lovers) that they still have a shoulder to lean on whenever they are weary. it also depicts the emotion of those who choose to support their love ones on their decision no matter how painful it may be for them.

 And so I'll leave a question for your mind to ponder. "Does love ends when relationships are over?" Does your caring for each other that you have carefully build up can be shattered by those hardships  that you've endured together.?

Maybe this song could help you think for the answers.

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love

Raincoat

Last night along with the heavy downpour of rain, I was given a chance to travel back home wearing my raincoat. (supplied by our contractor) Though the rain and winds are strong, I still manage to arrive home safely with a little sleepy eyes and full of wandering thoughts.

I do love the rain, and while walking i made some playful gestures together with the dancing water pouring on me. Then I remember the last time i wear a raincoat was during my fourth grade which was ages ago. Back then i have a blue raincoat that covers my whole body and the usual end of my class were at around 5:00-6:00 in the afternoon. I remember that day when i was about to go home and the rain started to get stronger, I asked my classmate to accompany me as we walk back home. But to my disappointment, she refused my offer (it's a "she" and i have a slight crush on her). and So there I was walking sulky stomping my feet on the flood. My uniform and bag were all wet but i did not pay any attention to it. But then the amazing thing happen on that very moment.

I  heard a wonderful voice. the soft and sometimes loud striking of rain from all over the place gives a perfect nature-played and well balanced rhythm of music. A melody not even composed of notes and chords but consisting of delicate elements of earth, wind and water. It's as if the rain is talking to me. Whispering his story of adventure cycle from being vaporized at the sea to becoming a real life paintings of clouds, showering the earth in the form of rain and continuously flowing in a stream as it journey back into the sea. From then on rain becomes my friend and comforter. That might be the reason why I engaged in musical instrument playing hoping that i might be able to transcribe the unique language I've been hearing into something more of a humane understanding.

As far as I could remember, during my birthday It always rain. Whether it's a stormy, mild or just a rainshower, It sure didn't miss my special day. It might be a sign of greetings and blessings for another fruitful year of my life. I'am much more excited to see the rain falling from the sky rather than receiving gifts and party celebrations. Likewise, I would be upset if the rain would come the other day after my birthday.

I do have some collection of lovely experiences while in the midst of rainy season but that would be another story to tell.

"Water" purifies almost everything. It cleanses our body our soul and even our transgressions. It reveal the inmost desire of our heart in crystal clear and transparent layers of truth and honesty. It dissolve hate and wash away pain from sufferings. We even seek the comfort it can give as water quenches our thirst for love, compassion and mercy towards the others. With this element we we're baptized and declared holy, sacred and purified. Thus our eyes were opened and  we can now know the truth the" He" is the living water by which whoever drink from it would never get thirsty again.

At present, I could still hear the rain and its beautiful language, but now , I'm singing and sometimes when no one is around i would sway my stiff  belly, wiggle my feet and nod my head in slight dancing. Rain is my friend. And to some, they detested and wished that he just go and stay away from their lives. To them he is an enemy that brings disaster and an ender of livelihood and even lives.But in reality, my friend only want  to share this marvelous feeling, a child-like attitude of pleasing our father(or mother) for us to carry and put us in his protecting arms & be at peace.

And so last Wednesday night, I have given another chance to meet and play with the rain. It always reminds me that i would always be singing in the rain for this glorious feeling of being happy again. Perhaps Gene Kelly felt the same way too. He might have heard the music that I'm hearing when he write a song and sing it with all his heart.

I pray that someday all of us will hear your voice and feel the overflowing joy. And when it comes, fill our heart with your wonderful blessing.