I'm a jerk that's all i know.
There's a pain in my chest that i want to let go.
a few days ago, I've made a painful decision. It's the same old thing over and over again.
Now I must bury this feeling more than six feet below the ground before i regret it and comes alive to drag me down.
Must i sacrifice everything i desire for the sake of doing "what is right and what is good"?
I have sacrificed a lot, I've been hurt many times from this decree. Are those things not enough for me to have what i want and what i desire even though it goes again with the standards?
The same pathetic cycle of misfortune starts with :
1.chance meetings
2. knowing
3. attachments
4. identifying the dilemma
5. formulating solutions
6. applying the solution ( the hardest part)
7. leaving against your will
8. regretting the decision
9. moving on
and...
10 dying
These are the "right things to do".Where people with different perspective will look down on you, criticize and mocking you when you try to disrupt half way of the cycle.
If my "own" decision were to be followed it would be like this.
7. staying behind
8. fighting for "what's right for me"
9. moving on... with you
10. living
But I am a coward and always fell behind I don't have the courage to stand up for what i believe. I was raised to be obedient in this cycle. but my heart was made to disobey the rules.
I've been hurt many times, I have piles of regret that haunt me on my dreams. A towering "what-if'" from my past experiences had block my vision & unable to see what the future holds for me.
I want to get out of this mess, see the beauty of what lies beyond. The fulfillment of doing what you desire even if it brings you pain, at least I have stand up for what i believe.
In two months time I would be facing another decision for my life. I hope i would find some courage to get out of these chains and probably do what i must do.
If the result by then are just the same, I know i have done my part and its up to fate whether they'll give me a meaningful future or a life that i pushed away.
Right now I'm standing at the crossroad. Sooner or later I have to make my move.
It's inevitable.
and Im not sure what to do.
I'm scared.
Somebody... anybody .... please
help me
Maybe, what you always thought right was never really the right thing at all.
ReplyDeleteBeing in a safe side doesn't always mean it's right.
If you keep pushing people away, you will always be lonely.
If you keep thinking what other people will think about you, you will never be free.
That's why everything becomes a cycle for you.
One day, you've got to break that cycle regardless of what other people would think.
It's the only time you'd know what is right or else you will continue to live your life full of regret and pain.
thank you for your comment, I will keep that in mind and I'll try to balance everything before i would make any of my decision.
ReplyDeleteI only want the happiness for those whom i called friends. As you can see i only have few "true good" friends and that is why i don't want them to suffer much as i suffer from this messed up situation.
I guess someday i could start leaving this cycle, maybe a little step outside would make a big difference in my life and i do hope i could muster enough courage to do it.
thanks again. :)
-bee